Saturday, October 23, 2010

....i'ma mac, check the books!

I didn't buy ANY of the afore-mentioned shoes I planned to get myself for my promotion. Instead, I got something a bit better. I got myself a macbook. Its starting to look like the best $399 I ever spent, knock on wood. But it got me to thinking...

We break our pockets for names, shapes, shit I spent almost half my savings for a fruit. Is it worth it? Sure, my computer was FRIED like a tomato in the south, but at the end of the day, I could've got a standard cpu for $200.

In life we make decisions based on how we look amidst the outcome. I just look better when the world ends and I have a Macbook, right?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Is It Because I’m Black

The dark brown shades of my skin

Only adds color to my tears

That splash against my hollow bones

Rocks my soul

Looking back over my false dreams

That I once knew

Wondering why my dreams never came true

Something is holding me back

Is it because I’m black?

Syl Johnson


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

my winter MUST-HAVES!!!

   To celebrate my promotion, I've decided to spoil myself with new shoes!!! These are what I happen to have in mind....


Brass Buckle Faux Suede Wedges
Barefeet Shoes

Fun Leatherette Oxfords
Forever 21

Harlee Lace-Up Shootie (by Fioni)
Payless Shoes


Interest Oxford (by Predictions)
Payless Shoes

Studded Lace-Up Combat Boots
Barefeet Shoes


Wednesday, September 29, 2010 simple as that for ur simple ass

Orange in blue ink.
I mean, she said songs in A minor, but I know no keys, so I'm more about my colors. They're my business. Orange in blue ink. Pink in brown paper bags. Green in blue jean pockets, or mulitcolored wallets. But never the less, colors.

I've decided that I am going to be all that I can be. I have so much creative potential, I was about to combust. So I've decided to do much more than I have been. A mere five dollar investment in a sketch book has my mind wide open. I am in love with a mechanical pencil that has a good eraser. I draw until i feel the urge to write. Then I write until I'm out of words, so I draw. Its that simple.

I have a t-shirt and sweatshirt line coming out. I never wanted to be a designer, I can't design for the masses because I am not a functioning member of society. I only like what I like. But I can't wait to put my words on sweatshirts. It's all about clever sayings, I'm calling my half of it all Idio Box. I'm scared that if I don't get it copywritten, someone will steal it. Then again, I'm no genius.

Hmm... whatelse can I say?
Oh, she is she no more. I mean, I must admit I wasn't over it for a while, but now that I am, I have no interest in going back. She was a headache and a half with a heart for drama. I can't fathem people like that. She wants me when she's alone, but she's not alone so I don't want her. But I do want someone else, someone new. Boy or girl I'm down for whatever. As long as they don't start talking relationships until I'm honestly ready to give someone my undivided attention and time.

That is all.
Until next time...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

....why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?

I'm completely over it and over you.

Everyones the same. No matter where I turn I end up with more of the same. No point of running into someone elses arms if they feel the same. I'd rather have no reminder at all that you existed. I'm going to start trusting myself and my ideas from now on. I don't know why I haven't been trusting myself more often than now.
I'm not going to put myself out there anymore, thats so over rated. I'm gonna remain unavailable and unemotional. I do better that way. (SOUND FAMILIAR?!) But I mean it this time. I don't want to be different any more. I want to be same old unavailable me.

When I do my hair, wear more feminine clothes, people say I'm pretty. I'm always me, but when I feel I dress the best, I get no recognition. Respect my individuality and with-hold your accolade's.

I don't want to be in love if I have to go through all the bullshit to get there. I'm just not that interested in having emotional validation. My mother loves me. My father loves me. Why do I need to stand before a gawking audience of doubled-faces and profess my love for another individual. Because this love this is supposed to result in marriage right? I don't think I can stomach the same individual for the rest of my life.

I don't want it.
And you never truly had my heart anyway.
It just sounded good to say.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

...vent #207

Red and blue make.....

So that chapter is done, now what?
*stop looking over my shoulder*

I can't get over the feeling. Not the one you gave me, because quite honestly I felt the same way... we're better off how we were. I'm talking about before it was hard work just to maintain a relationship. Before shit was technical.
I want to be caught up in the bliss of ignorance again.
I remember when he said "I love you" and I had no idea what it meant. But I replied, blindly I might add, "I love you too." And from there, the snowball grew. I've dug so many holes throughout this universe, that I don't think I'll be invited into the next. I ride around, with no music (not by choice) and count. I've had that kind, that type, I think I've actually had him. And I point. I don't know why him, him either... lord I remeber that one. I can't for the life of me figure out why so many. Its innumerable how many types I've conquered. Well not  conquered persay, I'm no sexual deviant. But I've given my time, thoughts, heart, mind to so many different types, I can't seem to find a different. I want someone, something that I've never had before. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it has ten fingers and ten toes....I hope.
I just need a change.
The constant cycle is so familiar... it's killing me.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

How's it going?
*from the outside looking into your box*
I love what you've done with the place.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing something. Like I'm the one who needs to be guided and taught the ways of your world. Its time to face it and fess up, I'm an alien. And I like it that way. I'm cliche, I do not conform to labels.

I'm dizzy because I choose not to walk on eggshells or play the background but trying to to spin out of the way is making my head hurt. So I'm gonna spend the rest of the time dancing. I'm spinning now because I'm dancing. And I'm gonna stop when my head starts hurting, because I can do that. I have the power to do so.

"What's your favorite color?"
What's your favorite song?"
"I don't have one."
"I miss you."
"I miss you more."
-Excerpts from the conversation I had with a girl...well sort of.
It even sounds weird to say that.
But I'm used to weird.
I live there.
I like it.
And I like her.

Now, who's gonna tell my mom?!

Monday, May 3, 2010

...and then there was one

Someone please tell me the point of all this...

I struggle daily to understand my place in this universe. Where it is I fit in. I can't seem to find where I'm supposed to be. I am alone. There is no hand for me to hold, honest shoulder for me to cry on. I am a floating meteor. Where do I go when I need help, when I want to cry and need someone to talk to? Last night, I sat in a dark bedroom and sang to the Lord. I sang gospel on cold carpet by a warm window. Nothing made me feel okay. I don't know how to not feel depressed. Hiding it isn't working. I don't wanna live this way for much longer, something's gotta give. And no, I am not suicidal... I'm just alone and lonely and wishing that I was cool enough to have someone.

I've come to the conclusion that I am ugly. I can't be attractive and this alone all the time. I can't even speak up for myself. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe. But I can't help that I like you. You are everything that I think I need in a dude, and I ruined it. Actually, Bacardi and Pucker ruined it, but I helped. We could've been magic, or at least friends. But now, now we're just thin air. I don't think you want to even talk to me anymore. But it's cool. I'll live. But it hurts, so bad. I ruin everything with everyone. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

...what the fuck?!

Man fuck it

. I aint even tryna get caught up in the rapture leading to extreme disdain. I can't stand this shit. Like why does it have to be the same cycle over and over and over.

I wish I could back to the way I was when I didn't care. I was young, dumb and happy.

But with age come knowledge and I have no say in the matter. I learn from every mistake I make. But how do I snap out of this? How do I not get trapped in this never-ending perpetual oval. Ugh, it's so frustrating! I just want to be okay with being by myself. And if not that, I want to have a guy who I can tolerate. A guy who's antics do not disturb me like this. A guy who's honest, loving, working, understanding, compassionate, giving, did i mention honest? And trustworthy. I can't trust alot of people so in a relationship, trust is the alpha and the omega.

I'm pretty sure what irritates me most is the constant struggle. I've seen people find people so easy. No long drawn out process. Just one human being getting to know another. Ugh, the bullshit. I'm better off alone. Then, at least, I know who to trust. Myself.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

...delusions of granduer mislead by my adventuras spirit

I'm here to voice my fear...
Stuff like this sincerely scares me. I'm soo0o0o tired of having my feelings hurt. I want to be able to be open about certian things but a jinx is a mother fucker and they're hard to come back from. So I'll keep it to myself. Yet still, it would be nice to gloat and giggle. To scream to the top of my lungs that I think I've found something here. Feelings are artifacts waiting to be uncovered by the next man, and the next man, and he's next. So bad do I want to be able to look into a future and see us, shit see me with anyone. But I disreguard that notion simply because I've lived with me for going on 20 years and I've seen me ruin the happiest of times. I don't know what it is about me, but I can't seem to be happy but for so long. I want to be that face behind the smile but I'm simply the smile. I am the false happiness and hope. I am the white light bouncing off transparent teeth as the bite a tounge being held for randsom. I AM SCARED.

I think the scariest thing about all this is that I know that your sincere. In all that you say, I sense not a tinge of dishonesty. Instead, I've constantly noted extreme sincerity and I'm scared out of my mind. I barley know you, and what your capable of, and what I'm capable of. I don't know your moms name, or any childhood experiences. Shit, I barely know your middle name. But come this saturday, we are sharing your bed. Not in a sexual sense, but how much more intimate can you get? Technically, we're sleeping together. I hope I don't seem like a whore, I've only known you for five days. Friends sleep in the same bed all the time right?

 But shit, I just wanna get close to you. I want to see if this could ever be more than makeout sessions and dizzing glares into one another's eyes. Man i'm tryna build with you. But i can't help but be terrified.