Wednesday, December 16, 2009

...who run it?

iiM back on my blog game...

Such is life...and it goes on.... so why dwell?
You say, it's gonna be different. But who am i to believe u? Honestly, mama taught me to move forward. But it's so damn hard tryna accept progress when people are placed on this earth simply to halt it.
I am a self proclaimed bitch. At least, i can be. It is not my porogrative to make u comfrotable in your own skin, no is it my duty to be sweet to you and hold ur hand. It's a hard world out here, trust me i know. I've lived in it for going on twenty years sweety and trust, the majority of people i've interacted with have made me who i am today. Hard, rigid, cold, a self procalimed bitch. I could care less about your feelings. I'm gonna be me reguardless.
I am blessed with tact. I do not go out of my way to single you out and make u feel worse about urself. And i am a big propent in exchanging pleasantries. But beyond that, assuming much more makes an ass out of u and me.
I am a sweetheart i swear, but that's beneath my shell. If u can make it past the cynacism and sarcasm...if u can survive all of my mental blows directed at your emotional woes, than u can meet me. Hi, I'm Taryn. And they don't call me obnoxious for nothing.
I am tired of feeling like i have to explain myself or water down who i really am. I get it, it aint self expression if people don't question it. But i don't have to answer. Instead, i'd much rather ignore u. Majority of my day is spent ignoring people and they're ignorant comments. "She mean yo"...."She mad rude son"...."You got a smart as mouth, you know that?"..... Why the fuck would u recognize something about me that i never knew about myself. Anything u notice in me, i've developed, i've harnessed and i've honed. I've made me who i am with a little help from outside influences. So SHUT THE FUCK UP, STOP WHINING AND TAKE THESE WORDS....cuz being a bitch about it will only make me dig harder.

You say bully, i say human being, many say Bitch, i say okay. But this bitch got layers so i'd watch wat u say.... you might hurt my feelings.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

...u can hate me but why knock my hustle?!

What The FUCK is life?!

And how do u maintain it?!

Such it is tho, i'm alive. Tis a blessing to see another day. I forgot why i blogg(ed) for a while but i'm back to drop my mental woe's onto this empty forum. The struggle to be forever greateful gets harder and harder with the dawn of every fresh morning. And it's hard to be greatful for the shit u got when it's only shit u got. But i am alive, so i am blessed. ((Lunacy to put shit&blessed in adjacent sentences)) I wish i could stay the person i am when i'm on my bullshit. But once and a while, i have to have some sort of emotion and thus, i am in the mess i am in now. They say we are confusing... but i am honest, and frank, and tactful, and truthful. If u can't accept my words, suck that shit up and get over urself. Eat'm cuz it's nurishing to learn about urself, and others. Not to mention i'm a pretty cool person. How can u like me so much and not want to be with me? Sorry if she hurt ur feelings, but me and her got two different sets of parents, different names, different families, not to mention i'm sure we live in two completely different realities cuz i'm so out of this fucking world i'm pretty sure she's not even n my universe. Not to mention, I AM NOT HER. And IT'S NOT OKAY. I don't have feelings like everyone else. I don't exude love, or compassion, nor do i give a fuck about most of everything. So u should take it as compliment that i gave a fuck about how ur day was, or how ur feeling or whats wrong. But whatever. Such is life.  And i'm back on my bullshit. I think i like myself better when i'm n my shell....Luckily i'm a ninja turtle ;-)

N Other News:
In the spirit of the up-an-comming holidays, i've decided to show a bit of compassion. First, I will allow these swagger jacking BITCHES to go on tryna live like me. I' pretty sure they won't go far but whatev. Also, i've decided to give some of these  "artists" a chance....So good luck to:
-Nikki Minaj

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Gotta be sum'n for me to write this....

You know, you have the ability to drown in your own mind. It is possible.

My heart hurts, but I don't think it's broken. In fact, I don't think my heart has ever really been broken. I am a self-admitted bitch but ultimately I am female. I have feelings and layers, I am sensitive to an extent. But shit... it's easier just to be unfeeling. Crying pains the soul, it doesn't clense it. Being depressed is easier than being happy. I don't want to become my old emotional self. I like the rigid Taryn. She's ruthlessly unfeeling and unfazed. Her life is easier simply because she's detached. I love to be her, she's like my cape... my hollow exterior both hard and complete. But beneath, there are broken pieces. Tattern and worn from my teenage love affairs. What is love by the way? I digress, I could've loved him. Shit, I think I liked him alot... but when I like someone so much, I tend to push them far away. The farther the better. And the easiest way to keep them far is to convince myself that nothing will come of it. Ultimately I've done more harm to myself than help. But whatever, I can't tell someone how to live they're life. If that's what he wants cool. I guess because this is the first time I've put my heart into anything since my last relationship, it stings a little extra. Oh well, I'm alive. And I wish you luck in all that you do with whomever you plan on doing it with.

Where's the computer lab guy that i'm in love with???

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

... 18 Years Young (part VI)

Lydia didn't know whether to be offended or attracted; so she opted for silence. She just looked at him as he wiped her eyes and continued.
"I've never met a girl like you. I wish I had more time with you, but if you let me, I will make sure that the rest of your life will be filled with nothing but smiles and love and, and shit Lyd...I just want to be there."
"But why? Why the fuck would you want to deal with this? The medication, the hospitals, the moods and anger, depression and sadness? Since I got the news, I hate being me. There are so many people I want to meet and places I want to see. Being me is a major waste of time. So I can only imagine what being around me must feel like. Think about it, do you want to sit in the hospital a month and a half from now when I'm in surgery. Or a few months after that when I'm suffering in a bed, struggling to maintain life. Fuck your delusions of grandeur and kill your optimism my brother, I AM DYING."
"I heard you the first time, and the second. And just about every time after that. But the way I see it, you should be living every tomorrow like it's going to last two years. That way, when you do go, you'll have lived long enough. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life..."
"Well it sure sounds like it." Lydia was getting quite annoyed, but she couldn't take her eyes off of him.
"But, I do want you to live while your still here; for your sake, for your mother's sake, your brothers sake, shit for my sake. This downer shit aint you, 'cause contrary to your belief, I see you. I've always seen you. Through grade school till now I see you. I've heard you in class, I've noticed. Not speaking up is a horrible mistake that I'm going to have to live with but I be got damn if I let you live your last six months in the dark."
"Your right, it isn't your place to tell me how to live."
"And I'm not trying to."
"Are you sure?" She wanted to go home, really she did. She was so tired of people telling her how to live. Why couldn't she spend her last few days like she wanted to; alone and in the dark. But he had a point. Your life isn't your own. Your always in the process of living for other people; inspiring and helping. How horrible would her mother feel if she let her daughter die before she was actually dead. Maybe she would do the whole "Carpe Diem" thing. But how would she deal with Daryl? He reached for the soft palms that she pulled away from him around mid conversation. She let him hold them, for now.
"Positive I don't. And I really don't want to offend you because I don't want this to our last time out. I want to take you out as long as your able and willing. Just let me be there for you, at least let me try." Who was she to tell someone what they can and can not do? If he wanted to try and tread the bullshit the was partially drowning in, he can go ahead. She wouldn't mind having him around. Hopefully it wouldn't do more hurt than help, not to her, but to him. She didn't have anything substantial to say. To avoid the cliche, she just held his hand and started to walk. Lydia had a strong feeling that her make up had ran to high-heavens. But when she looked at Daryl as he looked at her, she simply felt beautiful.

My New Hair Cut Tis' Dope...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

... 18 Years Young (Part V)

"So where we going?" Lydia was surprisingly comfortable around Daryl. Her comfort had even thrown her for a bit of a loop. But once you throw up all over a mans tires for a while, you tend to have no veil.

"Now if I told you, wouldn't that ruin the surprise?" She had to admit, he was smooth. But she was used to his type; Lydia had tricks up her sleeve that no one could guess by looking at her. She was better at playing those sort of head games than anyone. When she would sat back and think, she figured it was a waste that such a female like herself wouldn't live longer to share her knowledge with the world. With Daryl though, she figured she'd just be herself; it was seemingly easier to cut his game with honesty than to try to melt it with her own. Giving him the once over, Lydia noted his not-too-baggy jeans and crisp black polo with the teal horse that went with his black, teal, white and yellow dunks. She giggled to herself a bit that sort of matched. "What's funny?"
"Nothing, it's just that we match."
"Yeah, I peeped that when I saw you. Great minds..."
"Well at least one of us have one. Okay lets see, sneakers jeans and a polo...Am I over-dressed?"
"Nah, now that I see what you have on, I think I'm under-dressed. But it's cool, I figured I wouldn't be able to compete with your beauty." Was that genuine? Or was he just trying to game her again. She would soon find out. They pulled up to a well-known seafood restaurant that was known for it's prestige and it's serious attitude towards reservations. Lydia had never been, and in all honesty she wasn't the ritzy-restaurant type. Though her outfit spoke on the contrary. She just sat in slight awe at the luxury of what the night would soon become. She was impressed when they were seated immediately following Daryl giving the waiter his name. Lydia never knew that Daryl was short for Darylic Esseck. She thought it was a cool name, but why would someones parents name their child what could be sound-wise equivalent to a word synonyms with outcast? Once seated, they both ordered water and settled, sparked conversation.
"So Darylic huh? I never knew. Where'd that name come from?"
He smiled, knowing that the looming question was bound to be asked. "Both of my parents were orphans. They actually met each other in the foster system. Once they made it out and made something of themselves, they got married and had me. My mother said she named me Darylic as a reminder of where she was and where she is." There was no hiding the confusion on Lydia's face. "Like, they're not ashamed of where they came from because they came so far. So instead of naming me something that would ultimately be completely null and void to where they came from, they saw me as a representation of all that they've succeeded. I represented the fact that two family-less kids grew up to be a doctor and an entrepreneur. I am the result of abandonment. I represent derelicts." She had to give it to the kid. He was more than she figured he would be, and that wasn't simply taking him for face-value. Moreover, it was like taking him for what his reputation preceeded him to be. But there was more than met the eye with him. She liked the fact that he was seemingly more than surface.
"Deep stuff my brother. I would've never guessed."
"Well, that's not something you could guess. But I figure you assumed that I wasn't like I am. But I'm human, I have layers. Ya know?" She knew, trust if there was anyone of the surface of this earth who understood the power of understanding someone, it was Lydia.
"Well, I'm happy that I've taken the opportunity to get to know you." She smiled, genuinely.
"Me too. That night, in the car, something you said stuck with me." Lydia blushed slightly at the memories from that night. How she'd revealed her deepest secret to her entire graduating class, and then vomited her life away on the most popular boy in school's tires. He noticed and gently brushed her cheek with his fingers. "Nah, not that part. I remember you saying something along the lines of," he imitated her voice, "All you care about is you and yo rep." Lydia couldn't help but laugh. She didn't remember what she said verbatim, but she had an inkling that she went in on the poor boy. " I actually called and texted some of the girls I've messed with and some of my homeboys to get perspective. I wanted to see what they saw me as. And I got no real responses. I mean, I got a lot of 'you da'man' and 'you know you my favorites', but the stuff they said held no candle to your drunken tirade. I couldn't figure out why I had turned out like this, but I'm glad you agreed to let me take you out. And I am honored to be in the presence of such a real individual." He placed his hands on the table and over hers. Daryl was submitting himself to Lydia and she was eating it up. She couldn't help but to. His words were so genuine and true, it was almost like he was naked in front of her. "I am really lucky." They both shared a smile. Lydia blushed hard this time and her eyes darted towards the floor. He used his index finger to lift her face so their eyes could meet. "So, tell me something that I don't know."
"Something like what?"
"Girl, I border-line bared my soul. You gotta give me something."
"Okay, okay. I'm seventeen, eighteen next month. I'm spanish, black and white. I have a older brother named Salias, no pops, and my mom. I love dogs, music, and the color green. I was about to get my license before I was diagnosed, but I figured there was no point. And I guess you know about the dying thing."
"Yeah, but why let it stop you?"
"What do you mean?" She knew exactly what he meant. It was the same stuff her mother said on a daily basis. But what was the point? Why become invested in a life that only has months left on it's meter. Daryl just lifted one eyebrow. He knew that she knew what he meant. She contemplated telling him everything that she just thought, but instead she opted for a simply "I don't know. It's conplicated"
"If you don't mind me asking..."
"It's a long name that I'd rather not memorize. But basically I was born with a defective heart. It's simply slowing down until it stops. The doctors estimated that in six months, it'll be at the end of it's rope in a sense, and it'll stop. That's basically it."
"Where you a normal kid?"
"Define normal..." She smiled. "Yeah, for the most part. Wasn't really active because of what they thought was asthma. So guess without alot of physical activity, it went undetected."
"So what's next?"
"Well, about a month in a half they'll put in a sort of pace maker. Then in about three months, I'll be basically stuck in the house on bed rest. In five months I'll be in the hospital, and on the six month...well...I guess I die." Once again, Lydia looked at the floor. She had never explained what'll happen to one of her peers before. It was both liberating a painful. Daryl held her hands tighter.
"Hey, I didn't mean to get all heavy. Damn curiosity ya know? You want to order?"
"Yeah sure." She looks up to the most sincere pair of eyes she had ever seen. She was now naked too. When she looked up, it was almost like she was a new person sitting in front of an even newer person. This was a level she had never been to before. They ordered their prospective meals and continued conversation. They laughed so hard, Lydia was actually scared they'd be kicked out the seemingly snooty establishment. After eating, the duo left to walk along the sidewalks of the bustling, night-time hangouts. The only times their hands were indepentant was when they were eating. Other than that, it would seem they were glued together.
"So what happens now? Lydia got serious.
"What do you mean? You wanna go home?" Daryl hadn't really caught on to the change in tone quite yet.
"No idiot, I mean what happens now with us? I don't think you wanna get mixed up with me."
"Mixed up with you?"
"I've pushed people away for a reason. You do realize that I have no future."
Daryl had had enough. "Ugghh. I can't take this anymore. Lyd, look up. Are there any clouds in the sky?" She shakes her head no. "Is it raining?" She repeats her previous action. "I didn't think so. So why do you insist on raining on our night. I knew about your situation before I asked you out. For you to use that as a crutch is fucking confusing to me. If I only had six months to live, I would live them to the fullest."
"Okay but you don't! You have the rest of your fucking life to grow and become an adult! I'm gonna die a fucking teenager!" Lydia was yelling and crying. Tonight was going downhill fast.
"I understand that Lyd, I do." He held her by her shoulders and looked at her red, puffy eyes. "But this pessimism aint you. Your right I can't put myself in your shoes, and my bad for speaking as if i could. But I just want you to realize that you are far too beautiful to try and live in the dark, alone. I'm just tryna be here with you and for you."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

...18 Years Young (part IV)

All of the days seemed to blur. One day wasn't existentially different from the next. The rest of that day, as well as the next, blew by like it was itching to be a memory. It was now wednesday, which meant it was the middle of the week. Lydia hadn't spoken to Darryl, or anyone for that matter since the night of the party. The most she had really done was reply to the texts asking whether or not she had made it home safely. She had 2 unanswered messages from him. One simply saying good morning and the other concerning what was partially plagueing her mind at the moment beyond the obvious issue. She knew deep down inside that she really wanted to go out with him, but this wasn't A Walk to Remember, and she wasn't Mandy Moore. Lydia would rather not be anyones pity case. Moreover, she'd rather not tell anyone about her condition in hopes of retaining the only bit of normalcy she had left. That night of drunken stupor left her feeling, well, stupid. But she hoped that everyone there was too drunk to really grasp what she confessed. Understandibly, she saw her relationship to Darryl as deterimental to him, his emotions, and her heart. There was no way they could have any sort of future together, because she had no future. Her mother keeps telling her to live for the day, and she tries. But as previously stated, her optimism is waning. Just thinking about seizing the day made her want to cry. Seize the day for what? While choking back tears, her phone rang. The ringtone, a simple beep, let her know that it was just a text message. Once again it was Darryl:

You can keep avoiding me, but i aint goin no where. Just gimme a yes or a
no. If it's no, i'll leave u alone. But if its yes, i'll be there at 7 tonight.

Lydia didn't really know what to say. Should she attempt to live a normal life, to no longer hide in the confines of her disease and make her last days worth living. Or should she just count the days until she dies. Lydia stared at her phone for a minute or two. A faint smile registered on her face and she mustered up enough self worth to type an answer. "Ok sure. C U @ 7." She decided that, at least for tonight, she was going to live like she used to. Like a teenager. She was going to do her hair, put on a nice outfit and live. Live like she wanted to, live like she should be, live like she had a chance at living. That night, Lydia pressed her spanish wave into a straight wrap, wore one of her favorite outfits, put on eye make-up, lip gloss and smiled. He dress came just above her knees and was black with big bright paint strokes. Her teal cardigan was quarter-lengthed sleeved and her wedge heels were black patent-leather. To say she looked gorgeous was an understatement. That boy better not take her out for burgers, this was a "lets go somewhere vibrant" outfit and she was settling for no less. 7 o'clock came around and Lydia was putting the final touches on her make-up. When the doorbell rang, she was actually nervous. Not because it was her first date and not because it was with the Darryl, but because she didn't know how to act now that he knew that she was...incredibly flawed. Cynthia opened the door with a huge smile. Her baby was leaving the house and taking her advice. There was no point in her sulking in the house for the rest of her limited days. All day, she had been pondering whether or not to encourage her daughter to undergo the experimental treatment. With both of them on the fence, the house had been a bit dreary for the past couple of days. Just by opening the door for this handsome young man, Cynthia felt some of the tension mixing with the fresh air and floating away on the evening breeze.

"Come in, come in. Lyd, your dates here." Cynthia was grinning ear to ear. Almost making Darryl feel a bit uncomfortable. He felt her mother's eyes giving him the once-over while she closed the door behind him. He just hoped he met her expectations.
"Hello Ms....Ms...I'm sorry, I don't believe I know Lydia's last name."
"Oh that's fine honey, it's Ms. Perez. Nice to meet you, Daryl is it?"
"It is. I now understand where Lydia get's her sense of spanish beauty from."
Cynthia took the line like a man dying in the desert, straight thirsty. She blushed and placed her hand on her chest a bit. "Well thank you. Aren't you just a charmer. Hang on a sec while I go get her." She jogged up the steps only to be flored by what she saw. She hadn't seen her daughter all dolled up in months. She was happy that Lydia had taken a hammer to that glass ceiling, she just hoped there was no glass in her eyes. Not to mention she was going out with what seemed to be such a seemingly charming young man. And hopefully, for his sake, it wasn't just a ploy to get into her daughters pants. "Oh baby, you look gorgeous! I love to see you like this, all..."
"Okay ma," Lydia interrupted in the hopes of stopping her mother from tearing up and crying, thanks. I think I'm gonna go on my date now." They shared a connecting smile and Lydia headed down the stairs. What her date saw left him dumbfounded, she seemed to have that effect on the young sutor.
"My lord girl. You make beautiful jealous." Now while her mother was swooning, Lydia was unfazed. She saw D-Money use that line on too many females before. He noted her expression and switched to a more honest type of swag. "You look really really pretty Lydia, honest." This made her smile.
"Thanks D. And from now on, honesty is the best policy." She whispered in his ear, "So you can tuck your game book away or you can leave me home." Lydia smiled and looked at her mother who was a bit puzzled to say the least. "Ok ma, we're out. I'll let you know when I'm headed home."
"Oh girl, take your time." Cynthia said while escorting the teens to the door."And Daryl, if u hurt her, I will most definately kill u and make it sure no one finds the body." He didn't know what was more disturbing, what she just said or the fact that she was smiling while she said it.
"I promise I won't. Take care."
"Mmhmm, you too. For your sake." Cynthia shut the door as the two decended on the steps. She didn't want her daughter loosing cool points because her mother was on the verge of tears. She felt like it was Lydia's first date all over again. But on the contrary, all the kept thinking about what if it was her last.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

...i'm grown now!

ii don't have to answer to anyone...

i am a adult by law which means i have the right to do as i please.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

...put the pen to the pad, open up the window and let god in...

So0 how about we never tell her that ii wrote this... But here goes...

Titled: Sibling

I am a revolution
For Brianna’s sake
I am her fight
Simply because I can be
I am her fingers
On keyboard keys
Her blue ink on white pages
Of marble notebooks
And leather bound journals
I am her countless computer folders
Filled with what I’d like to call poetry
I am her voice
Standing in front of mics
And faces
And echoing along walls
Protruding through doorways
Squeezing between cracks in the glass
I am her imagery
And I am her vocabulary
Encompassing more than the public school system offers
Because she likes the challenge
I am her heart
Beating for shit like this
Rhythmically throbbing for moments like this one
Moments of pure expression
With no censors
No question of talent
No answer needed
I am her eye sight
And now though declining ability
My embodiment makes it 20-20
Able to see the mental gems land
On all the un-expecting necks
Creating the only jewelry she deems worth while
And fascinating
With the colors of Africa draped on my shoulders
Stones of ebony worn on my chest like merit badges
Neo-soul and jazz breaths make difference
Yet, humor makes same
I am her sister
And she is my hero
And she is beautiful
Like earth angel
Barefoot on the greenest and warmest earth
Simply walking on classics
Like Donny’s “Someday we’ll All Be Free”
Or his Amel’s “Make Me Whole”
Or when India said “oh god, give me the courage to live with an open heart”
Cause she gives me the courage to live
And let live
And be alive with all that I do
And be me when I am alive with all I do
And do what I choose
Never allowing anyone other than god to dictate my decisions
Ever knowing that I can do for myself better than anyone else
But lord knows she’s done for me more than she knows
And she’s made myself what you see before you
Shaping it by simply living
Her life has taught me so much about mine
And how I should live it
And there is no thank you equivalent
So I’ll save it
For when u really need it
Or for when I really need to say it
Cause the only promise in this life
Is the fact that it will end
But above all that I’m happy that I met you
Happy that I’ve grown with you
And will grow with you
And I’m happy that you are who you’ve become
Because it gives me a guideline to live by
Someone to look up to
And something to aspire to be
You are all that I am
And I will be all that you want
In a little sister.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

....Mic Check

I think i should be a author...

I got the talent... not to mention the vivid imagination and the fast fingers... I'm gonna buy a typewriter. I wanna be authentic. But can't u just imagine checking my swag??? It's raining and dark outside, mid-day, and I'm sitting in front of my type writer banging out the pages of a urban classic.

Nah, make that urbane, cuz i'm just not that urban. Or am I? 10th grade I started writing this random book about this girl who got attacked in a weird way (which will not be disclosed should I ever decide to actually publish it) and re-reading it now, it was a bit juvinile...So I started writing another one. AND IT'S DOPE!!! ((If I do say so myself.)) But, like my short stories I posted on her, I have so many ideas. And I love writing them down and expanding on them? So maybe i'll be a writer/author. I'll be a web-desiging author...and I'll design my own web page to sell my books on ;-) Wanna visit it?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

... 18 Years Young (part III)

The morning sun always seemed to shine brightest when Lydia was hung over. And it also seemed that her drapes would never completely close on mornings like that; and her mother would always decide to cook the most aromatic of breakfasts, and always tend to scream her name extra loud. "Lydia, it's time for breakfast. Come on and eat chile, you got a doctors appointment today." Just thinking about the florescent lights, sterile smell and bad news made Lydia want to vomit. Well, not just that of course. By-passing the stairwell, she hauled ass to the bathroom where she could only dry-heave over the tall procelin toilet, being as all of her stomachs contents still rested where she left them early that morning. After a few moments she stood, squinting in the mirror. Oddly, she decided that she was going to miss mornings like this when she was dead, I mean she was only being a teen. She brushed her teeth, her hair, washed her face, and gathered her barrings to head downstairs. You would've thought that the breakfast her mother prepared smelled like garbage, because it left Lydia's stomach in more of a knot than ever. "I'm not hungry." She says, plopping down in the cushioned chair at the table adorned with panacakes, eggs, bacon, sausage and orange juice of course." "My Lydia? Not hungry? Good lord my child done been switched with someone elses." Her mother sat next to her and stared at her child. She knew that Lydia was suffering from a horrible hang-over. She heard he come in at 3 that morning and it was only 8. But she couldn't blame her. When given news like the news Lydia was handed a mere week ago, Cynthia didn't know if she would've ever gotten out of bed let alone try to lead a normal life. "Ma, do we have to go to the doctors? I mean, we already know what they have to say. Blah blah blah, your dead in six. What else is new?" "Now you stop!" Cynthia was always a big proponent of optimism, but this news had gotten the best of her lately and she feared that it had rubbed off on her youngest child of two. "The doctor said he knows of a treatment. Now it's experimental, but it's a treatment none the less. I think we should go hear him out." Not to be confrontational or rebellious in anyway, that just wasn't her nature, Lydia gave a half hearted nod and dragged her limp body up the stairs to prepare for their outting. Enthusiasm wasn't a big deal to her anymore, and neither was the optimism she inherited from her always upbeat mother who wasn't really upbeat anymore. That contagious energy wasn't looming threw every room in the house anymore. It was barely in existance in her home, let alone in her mother's eyes. She wanted to be sad, but something inside wouldn't let her be. Being a member of the fatherless-tribe with only one set of grandparents who where now dead, and no aunts or uncles which meant no cousins, Lydia only had her mother and older brother Salias to worry about. He was 20 and in college at Notre Dame, which left only her and her mother to sit home and succumb to the dismal news. It was an understatement to say that when she was younger, Lyida felt out of place. Her mother was half Dominican, half white and from what she understood her father was a of african american, west indian decent. Though she and her brother had different fathers, they were both part african american which meant their complections resembled each others. Yet ultimately, they always felt left being the only kids of "mixed-breed" in their classes growing up. She had grown used to feeling a bit uncomfortable. And even though she could be considered popular in high school, her brother never felt that comfortable assimilating, so he went to Notre Dame, which really wasn't known for it's minority population. Here, she fit in. But she wondered what it would be like in Heaven, if she were even going there. "Well, not much has changed since you were here last Lydia. Your condition has worsened a bit, but that's not a surprise to us of course. Over the next six months, it will worsen incredibly until..." "We know, ok... We know." Lydia couldn't understand why the doctors, her mother, anyone who new basically felt the need to constantly remind her of her early demise. She knew, and she didn't need to hear it on a daily basis. She had heard enough, she got dressed and her mother began to gather their things to meet the doctor in his office. Once the settled in their seats, he looked at them with his hands folded on his desk and a stern look on his face. "There is an experimental treatment."

Thursday, May 7, 2009

...18 Years Young (part II)

"I don't think you shoulda drank as much as you did shawty. You gotta know when to slow down." Darrells words fell on deaf ears; Lydia's alcohol ridden mind had the world twirling beneath the car so fast, she didn't know which way was up. "You hear me? Hello?" She rolled her head over and nodded. Gazing into his gentle face had Lydia feeling quite emotional, well that and the 3 beers and 2 cups of "punch." "You aint catchin' a word I'm sayin'. I bet tomorrow, you won't even remember this conversation." Once again, she nods. This time with her eyes closed. Darrell laughs. "Girl you are twisted. But it's cool though, I'm not gonna take advantage of you. I'm just not that kind of guy, you know? I don't know where this 'sex god' rep came from, but that aint me. I got alot of layers man, I mean I'm smart, nice, shit I'm taking you home and I barley know you." This time Lydia laughs, then burps, then laughs again. "What you laughin' at now girl?" She stares out the windshield with a goofy smile on her face.
"We been in da same class sin-se fif grade D-Money. But you don' know me. I'f had ah-lease two clazzez wif you sin-se we been in hi-skoo. But you don' know me?" She lifts her drunken body up with her limp arms, she had a point to make. "An' you know why you gots a rep-poo-tashim? Hmm? Because *burp* a-cause you fucked bout haf the girlz in ow grade...No! make that haf the girlz in da-skoo. You haf layers? Pleeeeaaassssseeee. You do jus enuf ta get by. Do you's use yo brain? 'Cause since before I kin rememba, you had tha unda-classmen doin it for you. So saf me the bull." Lydia collapses back into her seat, leaving Darrell dumb-founded. Then he lets out a laugh.
"You are somethin' else, you know that? No girl ever tells me the real, ever. The do what they can to stay in my good graces, but you, you keep it real. I like that." She rolls her eyes and turns her head once more in his direction.
"Ugh, save your praises for someone who gives a fuh-fuh-uh..pull the car over." Darrell comes to a screaching halt on the residential road between two houses. He knew what was comming and couldn't bare having to clean vomit out of his car twice in one week. Lydia bursts from the car as if it were on flames and crouches to the back tire of the car, hurling her breakfast, lunch and dinner out of the pits of her stomach into the gutter.
"Damn girl, see I told you." Darrell stands, hovering over her resting on the hatchback of his truck. Lydia lifts her head between vommiting to speak.
"Enjoying the view?" He backs up as if he were defenseless.
"Hey, chill girl. I was just making sure you was alright." She vomits and wipes her mouth on her sleeve.
"Oh spare me ok D-Money. You don' give a fuck bout me. I'm jus anotha one ov your laughs." He walks closer, being genuinely hurt by her words.
"That's what you think about me?" She doesn't bother to lift her head this time. Sobering with every spell of vomit.
"No, that's what I know. Only person you care about is you, an yo rep. Do you care about me? Does it matter that I'm alive to you? Granted that I only have about six more months, but if I didn't, would we hang-out?" She looks up, "Shit, would you date me D-Money? I've seen you watching me. I'm 5''5, honey complection, hair past my shoulders with hazel eyes and a nice shape. You've looked in my direction. So what's the problem?" Once again, he's dumb-founded. Studdering, all he can seem to muster for the few seconds he's on the hot seat was something along the lines of "buhh...buuhh.." Lydia rather not hear it. "Fuck it. Take me home please. I just want to go home." She wipes a tear, preparing to fall down her cheek and helps her self onto her feet. She climbs into the car and buckles her seatbelt, all-the-while leaving Darrell still leaning on his car to contemplate his words. After a minute or so of thinking, he climbs back in the car, surrounded by uncomfortable silence. Once they reach her house, Darrell grabs her had as she prepares to unbuckle her seatbelt.
"So, Ms. Lydia, would you like to go out with me?"

Saturday, May 2, 2009

...18 Years Young (part I)

In a drunken stupor, she lifts her corona bottle to the paint-sponged ceiling that tied all the apartments together. Wobbling as she shifted weight from one leg to another, she stumbles a bit, but catches herself just in time to stop her beer from spilling. For a moment she watches; the sea of familiar and unfamiliar faces blurred like spinning colors. No face looks different from another. Dizzy with alcohol, she tries to focus. She has something important to say. "Kinnn ah haf your attemtin pleaz?" The party go'ers don't seem to recognize her drunken phrase, so she tries once more. "Eskuze me! Kin ah pleaz haf your attemtion pleeeaazzz?" This time a few look in her direction, trying also to focus their gaze on the dizzy woman in the black dress swaying in the middle of the room. A man on the couch decides to be a good samaritan, to pause his conversation for the under-dressed overly sexed woman who he planned on escorting to his bedroom that night, and help the 'little lady' get her point across. It helped a bit that it was his house.
"Aye yo! Listen up, yall see ol' girl tryna say something right? So shut the fuck up and listen." He nudges her, only to have to catch her a bit, being as he knocked her off balance.
"Well thaank yoo verwee much DMoney, okey dokey so ass many of you know, my names is Lidia." She takes a sip of her beer. "I go to high school wif mos ov yoo an we graduate tomorrow morning, YAY 07!" The party goers roar in applause at the idea of them being rid of their high school whoas in the day to come. When the hoots and hollers go silent she looks to the ceiling again, and takes another sip. "Well amny way, I just wann-id to say it wuz a blessin' to school with you fine lady and gent-men." She takes another sip, someone from the back yells something along the lines of "hurry up bitch", so she holds up one finger to notion that she has one more bit of information to relay. "Unforchunately, I will not see you guys at the reunions a-cause, frum the date ov my diagsnosis, I will be dead on Novembers 6th, 2007, six months from now." She downs the rest of her beer to a silenced room. She collapeses on the floor in laughter, waving her arms and legs like she was making a snow angel in the alcohol-stained carpet. She stops laughing long enough to choke out a few words..."Enjoy the partys peoples."

Saturday, April 4, 2009


there's so much stuff that people do to feel accepted. they change themselves, alter themselves to fit into society. there are a great few who feel like they're different... like the shit they do makes them different, when in fact it makes them the same as all the other "non-comformist". Point Proven. But reguardless of the reason, i believe there is hardly gratification in this shitty society we live in. people play sports to be gods among ants, but in retrospect, if they get hurt, they can either be classified as just another ant of just another injured ex-sports star. children take on crafts to make their parents proud, but what happens wen they fail or when they no longer wanna be a part of the craft they've perfected.

But it's ok, i now have the answer. We all need to do positive things to help the world around us. Things like volunteering, helping the natural earth, helping the church, helping humanity and animals... Those things are the only things that could actually lead to gratification. There is nothing material or monteary that could lead to someone being completely accepted by those around them. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! Society is nothing but a compilation of complete assholes. So0 all you "non-conformists" who think they have no need for the world to accept them, they're complete liars. But to fullfill that need that they don't want anyone to know they have, it's always an option. So take heed to the shit i spelled out above, and think on it.


Thursday, April 2, 2009

...i'm a DICK/ im a-dict-ted to0o you!

So0 work isn't really work round these parts...
Moreover, I do nothing more than sit behind a computer and day dream. Oh, and of course I aide the internet-illiterate. AND I LOVE IT! However, i have become mildly addicted to a couple shizzows... Dare I say, it makes me feel a bit more connected to the normal world? And the list goes a lil' sumn like thiiisss:

  • Lost
  • 30 Rock
  • Gossip Girl
  • ER
  • 90210 (bluffin ass show!)
  • The Office
  • ANTM (i kno, so0o0o sad)
  • Grey's Anatomy
  • Veronica Mars

&& I'm almost positive the list shall grow in the near future...

Monday, March 30, 2009

...i'm jus ghetto/i'm just me

Today is just one of those days. The world around me is spinning and at the same time I'm twirling in my own seperate orbit. My insides are spinning out of control. So fast, that I'm lightheaded, and dizzy. I almost feel sick. I don't know if I can blame harmones for this unusual occurance, but I'm not looking for anyone to blame. Usually, I would be wondering who's fault it is that I feel abmornally. This time, however, I know it's nothing more than something. So what do I do about this. How bad did I want to simply sit in my bed and stare at the ceiling today? It didn't start out promising. But I couldn't land a landed thought due to the fact that I was floating. How did I start floating? It's been so easy to maintain consumed with the bullshit that I swim through on a constant basis, that I forgot that being of majority water, I do have the ability to float. So I floated over the day as if i were ignorant to anger. This time of the month is the easiest to be angry. But instead, I've acted almost adolecent. Becomming increasingly angry through out my life, I miss the days when I was unadulturated energy and sunshine. Unconciously today, I toyed around with the notion of me being numb to all consuming anger and, instead, being simply numb. Well not entirely numb, because no matter how much medication I take, I continue to have cramps :/. But beyond the physical, I wasn't in mental anguish. Still, something is plaguing me. I have no idea what and I woke up feeling like something bad was going to happen to me. It is now 5:55pm and I am still alive. Now whether or not I make it to 6:00 pm is not up to me. But I hope I do. I haven't been arrested, no one has died to my knowledge, and overall my day has been pretty boring on the external. Internally, it's a whole other story. But I don't know how to put it in words just yet. So i'll just say that it's just one of those days. The world around me is spinning and at the same time I'm twirling in my own seperate orbit. But I guess that's just me....

Go figure.

Monday, February 16, 2009

...& still not see what you've become

I am in a constant struggle.

Contridicting myself, trying to be someone I'm not. It's tiring, and I'm tired of it. I simply just want to be myself. But that's so0 hard when I've copied off of people for so long. I've struggled so0 hard to be like other people, dress like other people, talk, walk, listen to certian music, dance, look, write, shit I've tried to become other people for so long I believe it's hindered my ability to become who I'm supposed to be.

My emotions are out of wack.

And when something involves expressing emotion, I struggle to think what other people would do in this scenerio. What would my friends do, my mother, my sister, the people in the movies. How would they re-act to this? My emotions are not my own. They've sprouted the all too familiar wings of aquaintances and taken flight on their own. When I cry, i have no control over myself. Not to say I cry uncontrollably, but more along the lines of I don't really understand what I'm crying for. When I'm happy, and other people aren't, I hide it. Is that safe? To suppress my own emotion to blend with those around me. My emotions are in constant conflict, and the only way I can control them is to think what someone else would do.

What is normal.

Never have I felt that i was normal. Always, there has been something that has set me apart from the others. Strange to believe that I, she who copies the world, I have a bit of a sense of individuality. Yet, I think it's not a good different. Like, what ever may be wrong with me, it's more like a curse than a gift. Do other people smell like me? Do other people's hair shed as much as mine? Do other people feel empty the majority of the time? Do those same people struggle within themselves as much as i do? What the fuck is normal?

I always go for more of the same.

We all try to change. It is human nature to evolve but obviously I'm not human. Since the age of 15 it seems my evolution as been nothing more than a decline. I try to be different, but in many aspects I am the same. And I always go for the same things. They all act the same: emotional, angry, it's always my fault. Just down right emotion abuse. On boths ends. But after a while, it's nothing more than a blur...A big, dramatic, blur. I want to escape, I really do, but the same old Taryn has dug a whole for herself so0 deep, she can't escape seemlessly. And at this point in my life, thats all I want to do. Just walk away, no strings attached, no drama, just goodbyes, or have a nice life. Nothing too pleasant, I mean come on. But at the end of the day where would I be going if not in the arms of more of the same.

I'm lost in my own head. Struggling to figure fact from fiction; truth from falacies, right from wrong, but it's become a giant cloud. I am mentally lost.

But i thank you for listening.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


Jesus is back and he has made some of the dope.est shoes i have ever laid eyes on....


God Bless You Balenciaga!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

....ralph lauren was borin b4 i wore'em

fashion has the power to change ur life i f u let it...

Bags that i have birthed....

oO0O0H how i luv sunglasses...comming so0n.

....goodmornin, on this day we become legendary


Vacay in Baltimore this weekend wasn't bad.. Got the wig cut....

U liiikkkkeee???

Not to mention i hung with tha crew, minus a few... Most of the time was
split btwn family and my boyfriend of course. Some interesting things transpired..(noneOFurBIZZNASS) :) O0h and i learned that signs exist! Somethings just aren't meant to be. No matter the pressure placed upon them, the scrutiny u face for not conforming, or the desire to experiment...somethings just aren't in the plans as of when you want them to be. Sometimes i get so0 caught up in the rapture, i forget to remember who i want to be. I think thats what happened, and I think GOD made things pan out the way they did because he obviously knows me better than i do. Understandable.I've come back with a new look on certian things. While driving home, there was a point where i just turned down the music and let my thoughts consume the portion of my brain that wasn't focused on driving. :) I've concluded that it is impossible to know who i'll end up being... All i can do is try to effect the outcome best as i can... So far, i'm pleased but i must say, as much as i'd rather not admit it, other people's opinions have molded me far too much! So0 i'm gonna live and let GOD and hope that te outcome is acceptable. FUCK SOCIETY, Taryn lives for Taryn.


Today, President Elect Barak Obama offically becomes president with the conclusion of the inauguration!!!!!!

I honestly believe he's the best man for the job, and not just because i'm black (geesh)!!!



Sunday, January 18, 2009

...spit yo game talk yo ish

sO0 me and tha crew went to go c Notorious las night... & i gotta say, ummm.. o0h i aint like it as much as i thought i would've... :(
Hip hop is too near and dear to my heart to b played out like i was n that movie... Like how much stuff was left out?! Not to mention tha casting was border line horrible...Dnt get me wrong, dude that played biggie did his thizzang as did Derek Luke (to the extent of being border line satirical) and tha chick that played faith wasn't bad either.
*sidebar*if Faith, in real life, whooped that chicks ass like chick did n tha movie, she's my new hero!

But n e way, there was so0 much shit missing. In my opinion, if there was too much stuff in his life to fit in one movie, make a trilogy. Like could u imagine how much money that would've grossed?! First half would've been like his life up to Juicy, then the next half would've been from Juicy till he died. DOPE IDEA NICC!!! THANX! Lil dude that played Lil Cease, same dude that played young 50 cent in Get Rich or Die Trying wasn't the best choice either. And dnt get me started on the guy that played Tupac... like y him? Out of all tha black actors out in this world... Y this guy?! Biggie was watching and idk if he thinks it was done right either. I'm thinking it wasn't completed correctly cause Diddy was just itching to make some more money off of Biggie. Maybe now, he'll let the "late great veteran live"(-Nas) All I can say is.... I AINT LIKE IT! GIVE MY BOYFRIEND HIS 9 BUCKS BACK SEAN "PUFFY" COMBS!!!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

....can u feel it? thas wut i got asked

They're all the same... yea, this one's different... but by how much?

YES he has a job but is it a dependable one?? NO!. Like tha damn man got his foot on my baby neck, (and by the man i mean tmobile), and it's fuckin with our communication... IM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! can't u tell? It's going on three days that we haven't spoke. There was supposed to be sunlight at the end of the tunnel today, but clearly, like I'm so0 use to by now, my sunlight has foiled into a let down :( or, for lack of a better word bullshit. Is it me???? Like, who's fault is it that there are always issues and obstacles in my relationships that are almost identical the the previous? Or do all guys simply have the same issues?

I'm keeping my man..he's the best one i got..he's tha only one i got...shit, i jus hope i still got'em.... :-/

..u can get wit this, or u can get wit that!

Dear Lord, ii need a haircut :/

I am of the African American persuasion && thus, i can't just let anyone do the doo..ya digg??

So0o0 i gotta go allll tha way bakk home to BALTIMORE(whoootwhooot) to get a snip...suUuckkkyyyy! Not to mention it's inauguration, so0 it aint lookin promising... i look like a hobo with all this hair!...wut? dnt believe me???

&& it dnt get no betta...

So0o0o move over MR.OBAMA!!! (if that is ur real name!) cuz Taryn's commin to town too...well more like thru town cuz im not goin to DC...BUT U GET MY DRIFT! My 1 o'clock appt on saturday can't come soon enuf!!!


wTf is a bird walk??? yes, i am late...but i have finally seen the video. i can't express how tired i am of seeing shit like "yah trick yah" or that damn voice thing that tpain uses! like it aint for everyone... there's one way to fix this detrimental error...IM WRITIN A LETTER! It'll probably sound a bit like this:

Dear Mrs.Hip Hop,

I understand that you're getting up there in age, no offense,
but that's no reason for you to turn your back on your true fans. Remember when
you left Common?? He was heart broken, yet your influence led to one of his
greatest songs ever! But now, now ur allowing little money hungry countrykids
like souljah boy, super producers turned horrible rappers like swizz beats and
incapable bamas like.....

Okay, that's all i got now...i see it shaping up to be promising though! HECK

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 gotta put me on?


Not one to usually want to be a part of the hype, ii had 2 c wut all tha jazz was about. Tres interesting idea tho, i must say. Being as i write to myself all day, ii find that i will quite enjoy rambling for the benefit of entertaing others during moments of boredom. Morgy put me down with tha dipset..so0 i'm tryna get my lips wet... hmmm..lets c...

"I write, 'cause im not the bodytype to fist fight"
-Georgy Watsky
I started writing because i wanted to do everything my brianna (22yroldme) did.. and now, i can't stop. But it can honestly b said, like much in my life, that influence led me to something that i truley have grown to love. I'm working on my 2nd book, entitled "She"... the first was a hobbie that i became obessesed with during my 10th and 11 grade years in high school... lord knows when i'll get off my ass and read through the wrinkled legal pad pages that make up "Pitch Black Confessions".... Maybe an exerpt is in order??? Maybe later?? (Way lateR)...