Thursday, January 14, 2010

...what the fuck?!

Man fuck it

. I aint even tryna get caught up in the rapture leading to extreme disdain. I can't stand this shit. Like why does it have to be the same cycle over and over and over.

I wish I could back to the way I was when I didn't care. I was young, dumb and happy.

But with age come knowledge and I have no say in the matter. I learn from every mistake I make. But how do I snap out of this? How do I not get trapped in this never-ending perpetual oval. Ugh, it's so frustrating! I just want to be okay with being by myself. And if not that, I want to have a guy who I can tolerate. A guy who's antics do not disturb me like this. A guy who's honest, loving, working, understanding, compassionate, giving, did i mention honest? And trustworthy. I can't trust alot of people so in a relationship, trust is the alpha and the omega.

I'm pretty sure what irritates me most is the constant struggle. I've seen people find people so easy. No long drawn out process. Just one human being getting to know another. Ugh, the bullshit. I'm better off alone. Then, at least, I know who to trust. Myself.

Next topic up to bat, I am more tired that I have been in a while. I'm probably living off of 14 hours of sleep, since last friday. I just want to sleep and sleep HARD. I want that kind of sleep where I wake up in the afternoon and don't feel bad about myself. The kind of sleep where I don't need to eat, drink or pee. I just want some REST! Monday is a holiday but I'm pretty sure i'll be out and about. Now, back to what I talking about before.

I would love someone who really liked me. Someone who fucked with me because I'm a cool person. Someone who wanted to talk to me all the time, or be around me, or just want me to sit there. Someone who I wouldn't have to touch, or kiss or rub or contemplate fucking. Someone who'd just appreciate my company for what company really is, ((sharing space and time)). But the thing that drives me crazy them most is the bullshit. The constant questioning and confusion. The annoying "where are you" or "what are you doin" or the worrying about whether or not I should ask that for the sake of not being clingy. Man I just wanna live and be alive. No questions asked. It's so fucking hard to simply maintain and niggas wanna complicate it. And I just wanna live. But it's so much more fun when i'm not all by myself. Idk, I guess this is some internal shit that I can't just stroke away on these keys...Time to mellow, and I'll deal all by my self.

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