Thursday, January 14, 2010

...what the fuck?!

Man fuck it

. I aint even tryna get caught up in the rapture leading to extreme disdain. I can't stand this shit. Like why does it have to be the same cycle over and over and over.

I wish I could back to the way I was when I didn't care. I was young, dumb and happy.

But with age come knowledge and I have no say in the matter. I learn from every mistake I make. But how do I snap out of this? How do I not get trapped in this never-ending perpetual oval. Ugh, it's so frustrating! I just want to be okay with being by myself. And if not that, I want to have a guy who I can tolerate. A guy who's antics do not disturb me like this. A guy who's honest, loving, working, understanding, compassionate, giving, did i mention honest? And trustworthy. I can't trust alot of people so in a relationship, trust is the alpha and the omega.

I'm pretty sure what irritates me most is the constant struggle. I've seen people find people so easy. No long drawn out process. Just one human being getting to know another. Ugh, the bullshit. I'm better off alone. Then, at least, I know who to trust. Myself.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

...delusions of granduer mislead by my adventuras spirit

I'm here to voice my fear...
Stuff like this sincerely scares me. I'm soo0o0o tired of having my feelings hurt. I want to be able to be open about certian things but a jinx is a mother fucker and they're hard to come back from. So I'll keep it to myself. Yet still, it would be nice to gloat and giggle. To scream to the top of my lungs that I think I've found something here. Feelings are artifacts waiting to be uncovered by the next man, and the next man, and he's next. So bad do I want to be able to look into a future and see us, shit see me with anyone. But I disreguard that notion simply because I've lived with me for going on 20 years and I've seen me ruin the happiest of times. I don't know what it is about me, but I can't seem to be happy but for so long. I want to be that face behind the smile but I'm simply the smile. I am the false happiness and hope. I am the white light bouncing off transparent teeth as the bite a tounge being held for randsom. I AM SCARED.

I think the scariest thing about all this is that I know that your sincere. In all that you say, I sense not a tinge of dishonesty. Instead, I've constantly noted extreme sincerity and I'm scared out of my mind. I barley know you, and what your capable of, and what I'm capable of. I don't know your moms name, or any childhood experiences. Shit, I barely know your middle name. But come this saturday, we are sharing your bed. Not in a sexual sense, but how much more intimate can you get? Technically, we're sleeping together. I hope I don't seem like a whore, I've only known you for five days. Friends sleep in the same bed all the time right?

 But shit, I just wanna get close to you. I want to see if this could ever be more than makeout sessions and dizzing glares into one another's eyes. Man i'm tryna build with you. But i can't help but be terrified.