Monday, February 16, 2009

...& still not see what you've become

I am in a constant struggle.

Contridicting myself, trying to be someone I'm not. It's tiring, and I'm tired of it. I simply just want to be myself. But that's so0 hard when I've copied off of people for so long. I've struggled so0 hard to be like other people, dress like other people, talk, walk, listen to certian music, dance, look, write, shit I've tried to become other people for so long I believe it's hindered my ability to become who I'm supposed to be.

My emotions are out of wack.

And when something involves expressing emotion, I struggle to think what other people would do in this scenerio. What would my friends do, my mother, my sister, the people in the movies. How would they re-act to this? My emotions are not my own. They've sprouted the all too familiar wings of aquaintances and taken flight on their own. When I cry, i have no control over myself. Not to say I cry uncontrollably, but more along the lines of I don't really understand what I'm crying for. When I'm happy, and other people aren't, I hide it. Is that safe? To suppress my own emotion to blend with those around me. My emotions are in constant conflict, and the only way I can control them is to think what someone else would do.

What is normal.

Never have I felt that i was normal. Always, there has been something that has set me apart from the others. Strange to believe that I, she who copies the world, I have a bit of a sense of individuality. Yet, I think it's not a good different. Like, what ever may be wrong with me, it's more like a curse than a gift. Do other people smell like me? Do other people's hair shed as much as mine? Do other people feel empty the majority of the time? Do those same people struggle within themselves as much as i do? What the fuck is normal?

I always go for more of the same.

We all try to change. It is human nature to evolve but obviously I'm not human. Since the age of 15 it seems my evolution as been nothing more than a decline. I try to be different, but in many aspects I am the same. And I always go for the same things. They all act the same: emotional, angry, it's always my fault. Just down right emotion abuse. On boths ends. But after a while, it's nothing more than a blur...A big, dramatic, blur. I want to escape, I really do, but the same old Taryn has dug a whole for herself so0 deep, she can't escape seemlessly. And at this point in my life, thats all I want to do. Just walk away, no strings attached, no drama, just goodbyes, or have a nice life. Nothing too pleasant, I mean come on. But at the end of the day where would I be going if not in the arms of more of the same.

I'm lost in my own head. Struggling to figure fact from fiction; truth from falacies, right from wrong, but it's become a giant cloud. I am mentally lost.

But i thank you for listening.