...what the fuck?!

Man fuck it

. I aint even tryna get caught up in the rapture leading to extreme disdain. I can't stand this shit. Like why does it have to be the same cycle over and over and over.

I wish I could back to the way I was when I didn't care. I was young, dumb and happy.

But with age come knowledge and I have no say in the matter. I learn from every mistake I make. But how do I snap out of this? How do I not get trapped in this never-ending perpetual oval. Ugh, it's so frustrating! I just want to be okay with being by myself. And if not that, I want to have a guy who I can tolerate. A guy who's antics do not disturb me like this. A guy who's honest, loving, working, understanding, compassionate, giving, did i mention honest? And trustworthy. I can't trust alot of people so in a relationship, trust is the alpha and the omega.

I'm pretty sure what irritates me most is the constant struggle. I've seen people find people so easy. No long drawn out process. Just one human being getting to know another. Ugh, the bullshit. I'm better off alone. Then, at least, I know who to trust. Myself.

...delusions of granduer mislead by my adventuras spirit

I'm here to voice my fear...
Stuff like this sincerely scares me. I'm soo0o0o tired of having my feelings hurt. I want to be able to be open about certian things but a jinx is a mother fucker and they're hard to come back from. So I'll keep it to myself. Yet still, it would be nice to gloat and giggle. To scream to the top of my lungs that I think I've found something here. Feelings are artifacts waiting to be uncovered by the next man, and the next man, and he's next. So bad do I want to be able to look into a future and see us, shit see me with anyone. But I disreguard that notion simply because I've lived with me for going on 20 years and I've seen me ruin the happiest of times. I don't know what it is about me, but I can't seem to be happy but for so long. I want to be that face behind the smile but I'm simply the smile. I am the false happiness and hope. I am the white light bouncing off transparent teeth as the bite a tounge being held for randsom. I AM SCARED.

I think the scariest thing about all this is that I know that your sincere. In all that you say, I sense not a tinge of dishonesty. Instead, I've constantly noted extreme sincerity and I'm scared out of my mind. I barley know you, and what your capable of, and what I'm capable of. I don't know your moms name, or any childhood experiences. Shit, I barely know your middle name. But come this saturday, we are sharing your bed. Not in a sexual sense, but how much more intimate can you get? Technically, we're sleeping together. I hope I don't seem like a whore, I've only known you for five days. Friends sleep in the same bed all the time right?

 But shit, I just wanna get close to you. I want to see if this could ever be more than makeout sessions and dizzing glares into one another's eyes. Man i'm tryna build with you. But i can't help but be terrified.

...who run it?

iiM back on my blog game...

Such is life...and it goes on.... so why dwell?
You say, it's gonna be different. But who am i to believe u? Honestly, mama taught me to move forward. But it's so damn hard tryna accept progress when people are placed on this earth simply to halt it.
I am a self proclaimed bitch. At least, i can be. It is not my porogrative to make u comfrotable in your own skin, no is it my duty to be sweet to you and hold ur hand. It's a hard world out here, trust me i know. I've lived in it for going on twenty years sweety and trust, the majority of people i've interacted with have made me who i am today. Hard, rigid, cold, a self procalimed bitch. I could care less about your feelings. I'm gonna be me reguardless.
I am blessed with tact. I do not go out of my way to single you out and make u feel worse about urself. And i am a big propent in exchanging pleasantries. But beyond that, assuming much more makes an ass out of u and me.
I am a sweetheart i swear, but that's beneath my shell. If u can make it past the cynacism and sarcasm...if u can survive all of my mental blows directed at your emotional woes, than u can meet me. Hi, I'm Taryn. And they don't call me obnoxious for nothing.
I am tired of feeling like i have to explain myself or water down who i really am. I get it, it aint self expression if people don't question it. But i don't have to answer. Instead, i'd much rather ignore u. Majority of my day is spent ignoring people and they're ignorant comments. "She mean yo"...."She mad rude son"...."You got a smart as mouth, you know that?"..... Why the fuck would u recognize something about me that i never knew about myself. Anything u notice in me, i've developed, i've harnessed and i've honed. I've made me who i am with a little help from outside influences. So SHUT THE FUCK UP, STOP WHINING AND TAKE THESE WORDS....cuz being a bitch about it will only make me dig harder.

You say bully, i say human being, many say Bitch, i say okay. But this bitch got layers so i'd watch wat u say.... you might hurt my feelings.