What The FUCK is life?!
And how do u maintain it?!
Such it is tho, i'm alive. Tis a blessing to see another day. I forgot why i blogg(ed) for a while but i'm back to drop my mental woe's onto this empty forum. The struggle to be forever greateful gets harder and harder with the dawn of every fresh morning. And it's hard to be greatful for the shit u got when it's only shit u got. But i am alive, so i am blessed. ((Lunacy to put shit&blessed in adjacent sentences)) I wish i could stay the person i am when i'm on my bullshit. But once and a while, i have to have some sort of emotion and thus, i am in the mess i am in now. They say we are confusing... but i am honest, and frank, and tactful, and truthful. If u can't accept my words, suck that shit up and get over urself. Eat'm cuz it's nurishing to learn about urself, and others. Not to mention i'm a pretty cool person. How can u like me so much and not want to be with me? Sorry if she hurt ur feelings, but me and her got two different sets of parents, different names, different families, not to mention i'm sure we live in two completely different realities cuz i'm so out of this fucking world i'm pretty sure she's not even n my universe. Not to mention, I AM NOT HER. And IT'S NOT OKAY. I don't have feelings like everyone else. I don't exude love, or compassion, nor do i give a fuck about most of everything. So u should take it as compliment that i gave a fuck about how ur day was, or how ur feeling or whats wrong. But whatever. Such is life. And i'm back on my bullshit. I think i like myself better when i'm n my shell....Luckily i'm a ninja turtle ;-)
N Other News:
In the spirit of the up-an-comming holidays, i've decided to show a bit of compassion. First, I will allow these swagger jacking BITCHES to go on tryna live like me. I' pretty sure they won't go far but whatev. Also, i've decided to give some of these "artists" a chance....So good luck to:
-Nikki Minaj
-Wale
....etc
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Gotta be sum'n for me to write this....
You know, you have the ability to drown in your own mind. It is possible.
My heart hurts, but I don't think it's broken. In fact, I don't think my heart has ever really been broken. I am a self-admitted bitch but ultimately I am female. I have feelings and layers, I am sensitive to an extent. But shit... it's easier just to be unfeeling. Crying pains the soul, it doesn't clense it. Being depressed is easier than being happy. I don't want to become my old emotional self. I like the rigid Taryn. She's ruthlessly unfeeling and unfazed. Her life is easier simply because she's detached. I love to be her, she's like my shell...my cape... my hollow exterior both hard and complete. But beneath, there are broken pieces. Tattern and worn from my teenage love affairs. What is love by the way? I digress, I could've loved him. Shit, I think I liked him alot... but when I like someone so much, I tend to push them far away. The farther the better. And the easiest way to keep them far is to convince myself that nothing will come of it. Ultimately I've done more harm to myself than help. But whatever, I can't tell someone how to live they're life. If that's what he wants cool. I guess because this is the first time I've put my heart into anything since my last relationship, it stings a little extra. Oh well, I'm alive. And I wish you luck in all that you do with whomever you plan on doing it with.
Where's the computer lab guy that i'm in love with???
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
... 18 Years Young (part VI)
Lydia didn't know whether to be offended or attracted; so she opted for silence. She just looked at him as he wiped her eyes and continued.
"I've never met a girl like you. I wish I had more time with you, but if you let me, I will make sure that the rest of your life will be filled with nothing but smiles and love and, and shit Lyd...I just want to be there."
"But why? Why the fuck would you want to deal with this? The medication, the hospitals, the moods and anger, depression and sadness? Since I got the news, I hate being me. There are so many people I want to meet and places I want to see. Being me is a major waste of time. So I can only imagine what being around me must feel like. Think about it, do you want to sit in the hospital a month and a half from now when I'm in surgery. Or a few months after that when I'm suffering in a bed, struggling to maintain life. Fuck your delusions of grandeur and kill your optimism my brother, I AM DYING."
"I heard you the first time, and the second. And just about every time after that. But the way I see it, you should be living every tomorrow like it's going to last two years. That way, when you do go, you'll have lived long enough. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life..."
"Well it sure sounds like it." Lydia was getting quite annoyed, but she couldn't take her eyes off of him.
"But, I do want you to live while your still here; for your sake, for your mother's sake, your brothers sake, shit for my sake. This downer shit aint you, 'cause contrary to your belief, I see you. I've always seen you. Through grade school till now I see you. I've heard you in class, I've noticed. Not speaking up is a horrible mistake that I'm going to have to live with but I be got damn if I let you live your last six months in the dark."
"Your right, it isn't your place to tell me how to live."
"And I'm not trying to."
"Are you sure?" She wanted to go home, really she did. She was so tired of people telling her how to live. Why couldn't she spend her last few days like she wanted to; alone and in the dark. But he had a point. Your life isn't your own. Your always in the process of living for other people; inspiring and helping. How horrible would her mother feel if she let her daughter die before she was actually dead. Maybe she would do the whole "Carpe Diem" thing. But how would she deal with Daryl? He reached for the soft palms that she pulled away from him around mid conversation. She let him hold them, for now.
"Positive I don't. And I really don't want to offend you because I don't want this to our last time out. I want to take you out as long as your able and willing. Just let me be there for you, at least let me try." Who was she to tell someone what they can and can not do? If he wanted to try and tread the bullshit the was partially drowning in, he can go ahead. She wouldn't mind having him around. Hopefully it wouldn't do more hurt than help, not to her, but to him. She didn't have anything substantial to say. To avoid the cliche, she just held his hand and started to walk. Lydia had a strong feeling that her make up had ran to high-heavens. But when she looked at Daryl as he looked at her, she simply felt beautiful.
"I've never met a girl like you. I wish I had more time with you, but if you let me, I will make sure that the rest of your life will be filled with nothing but smiles and love and, and shit Lyd...I just want to be there."
"But why? Why the fuck would you want to deal with this? The medication, the hospitals, the moods and anger, depression and sadness? Since I got the news, I hate being me. There are so many people I want to meet and places I want to see. Being me is a major waste of time. So I can only imagine what being around me must feel like. Think about it, do you want to sit in the hospital a month and a half from now when I'm in surgery. Or a few months after that when I'm suffering in a bed, struggling to maintain life. Fuck your delusions of grandeur and kill your optimism my brother, I AM DYING."
"I heard you the first time, and the second. And just about every time after that. But the way I see it, you should be living every tomorrow like it's going to last two years. That way, when you do go, you'll have lived long enough. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life..."
"Well it sure sounds like it." Lydia was getting quite annoyed, but she couldn't take her eyes off of him.
"But, I do want you to live while your still here; for your sake, for your mother's sake, your brothers sake, shit for my sake. This downer shit aint you, 'cause contrary to your belief, I see you. I've always seen you. Through grade school till now I see you. I've heard you in class, I've noticed. Not speaking up is a horrible mistake that I'm going to have to live with but I be got damn if I let you live your last six months in the dark."
"Your right, it isn't your place to tell me how to live."
"And I'm not trying to."
"Are you sure?" She wanted to go home, really she did. She was so tired of people telling her how to live. Why couldn't she spend her last few days like she wanted to; alone and in the dark. But he had a point. Your life isn't your own. Your always in the process of living for other people; inspiring and helping. How horrible would her mother feel if she let her daughter die before she was actually dead. Maybe she would do the whole "Carpe Diem" thing. But how would she deal with Daryl? He reached for the soft palms that she pulled away from him around mid conversation. She let him hold them, for now.
"Positive I don't. And I really don't want to offend you because I don't want this to our last time out. I want to take you out as long as your able and willing. Just let me be there for you, at least let me try." Who was she to tell someone what they can and can not do? If he wanted to try and tread the bullshit the was partially drowning in, he can go ahead. She wouldn't mind having him around. Hopefully it wouldn't do more hurt than help, not to her, but to him. She didn't have anything substantial to say. To avoid the cliche, she just held his hand and started to walk. Lydia had a strong feeling that her make up had ran to high-heavens. But when she looked at Daryl as he looked at her, she simply felt beautiful.
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