...vent #207

Red and blue make.....

So that chapter is done, now what?
*stop looking over my shoulder*

I can't get over the feeling. Not the one you gave me, because quite honestly I felt the same way... we're better off how we were. I'm talking about before it was hard work just to maintain a relationship. Before shit was technical.
I want to be caught up in the bliss of ignorance again.
I remember when he said "I love you" and I had no idea what it meant. But I replied, blindly I might add, "I love you too." And from there, the snowball grew. I've dug so many holes throughout this universe, that I don't think I'll be invited into the next. I ride around, with no music (not by choice) and count. I've had that kind, that type, I think I've actually had him. And I point. I don't know why him, him either... lord I remeber that one. I can't for the life of me figure out why so many. Its innumerable how many types I've conquered. Well not  conquered persay, I'm no sexual deviant. But I've given my time, thoughts, heart, mind to so many different types, I can't seem to find a different. I want someone, something that I've never had before. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it has ten fingers and ten toes....I hope.
I just need a change.
The constant cycle is so familiar... it's killing me.

How's it going?
*from the outside looking into your box*
I love what you've done with the place.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing something. Like I'm the one who needs to be guided and taught the ways of your world. Its time to face it and fess up, I'm an alien. And I like it that way. I'm cliche, I do not conform to labels.

I'm dizzy because I choose not to walk on eggshells or play the background but trying to to spin out of the way is making my head hurt. So I'm gonna spend the rest of the time dancing. I'm spinning now because I'm dancing. And I'm gonna stop when my head starts hurting, because I can do that. I have the power to do so.

"What's your favorite color?"
"Blue."
What's your favorite song?"
"I don't have one."
"I miss you."
"I miss you more."
.....
-Excerpts from the conversation I had with a girl....my girl...well sort of.
It even sounds weird to say that.
But I'm used to weird.
I live there.
I like it.
And I like her.
Yeah....
Her.

Now, who's gonna tell my mom?!

...and then there was one

Someone please tell me the point of all this...

I struggle daily to understand my place in this universe. Where it is I fit in. I can't seem to find where I'm supposed to be. I am alone. There is no hand for me to hold, honest shoulder for me to cry on. I am a floating meteor. Where do I go when I need help, when I want to cry and need someone to talk to? Last night, I sat in a dark bedroom and sang to the Lord. I sang gospel on cold carpet by a warm window. Nothing made me feel okay. I don't know how to not feel depressed. Hiding it isn't working. I don't wanna live this way for much longer, something's gotta give. And no, I am not suicidal... I'm just alone and lonely and wishing that I was cool enough to have someone.

I've come to the conclusion that I am ugly. I can't be attractive and this alone all the time. I can't even speak up for myself. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe. But I can't help that I like you. You are everything that I think I need in a dude, and I ruined it. Actually, Bacardi and Pucker ruined it, but I helped. We could've been magic, or at least friends. But now, now we're just thin air. I don't think you want to even talk to me anymore. But it's cool. I'll live. But it hurts, so bad. I ruin everything with everyone. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe.