....i'ma mac, check the books!

I didn't buy ANY of the afore-mentioned shoes I planned to get myself for my promotion. Instead, I got something a bit better. I got myself a macbook. Its starting to look like the best $399 I ever spent, knock on wood. But it got me to thinking...

We break our pockets for names, shapes, shit I spent almost half my savings for a fruit. Is it worth it? Sure, my computer was FRIED like a tomato in the south, but at the end of the day, I could've got a standard cpu for $200.

In life we make decisions based on how we look amidst the outcome. I just look better when the world ends and I have a Macbook, right?

Is It Because I’m Black

The dark brown shades of my skin

Only adds color to my tears

That splash against my hollow bones

Rocks my soul

Looking back over my false dreams

That I once knew

Wondering why my dreams never came true

Something is holding me back

Is it because I’m black?



Syl Johnson

1968

my winter MUST-HAVES!!!

   To celebrate my promotion, I've decided to spoil myself with new shoes!!! These are what I happen to have in mind....

POPAT COGNAC
$120.00
 ALDO 







Brass Buckle Faux Suede Wedges
$44.99
Barefeet Shoes



  

Fun Leatherette Oxfords
$24.80
Forever 21











Harlee Lace-Up Shootie (by Fioni)

$29.99

Payless Shoes



 



Interest Oxford (by Predictions)
$24.99
Payless Shoes





Studded Lace-Up Combat Boots
$54.99
Barefeet Shoes

















 

   

......as simple as that for ur simple ass

Orange in blue ink.
I mean, she said songs in A minor, but I know no keys, so I'm more about my colors. They're my business. Orange in blue ink. Pink in brown paper bags. Green in blue jean pockets, or mulitcolored wallets. But never the less, colors.

I've decided that I am going to be all that I can be. I have so much creative potential, I was about to combust. So I've decided to do much more than I have been. A mere five dollar investment in a sketch book has my mind wide open. I am in love with a mechanical pencil that has a good eraser. I draw until i feel the urge to write. Then I write until I'm out of words, so I draw. Its that simple.

I have a t-shirt and sweatshirt line coming out. I never wanted to be a designer, I can't design for the masses because I am not a functioning member of society. I only like what I like. But I can't wait to put my words on sweatshirts. It's all about clever sayings, I'm calling my half of it all Idio Box. I'm scared that if I don't get it copywritten, someone will steal it. Then again, I'm no genius.

Hmm... whatelse can I say?
Oh, she is she no more. I mean, I must admit I wasn't over it for a while, but now that I am, I have no interest in going back. She was a headache and a half with a heart for drama. I can't fathem people like that. She wants me when she's alone, but she's not alone so I don't want her. But I do want someone else, someone new. Boy or girl I'm down for whatever. As long as they don't start talking relationships until I'm honestly ready to give someone my undivided attention and time.

That is all.
Until next time...

....why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?

I'm completely over it and over you.

Everyones the same. No matter where I turn I end up with more of the same. No point of running into someone elses arms if they feel the same. I'd rather have no reminder at all that you existed. I'm going to start trusting myself and my ideas from now on. I don't know why I haven't been trusting myself more often than now.
I'm not going to put myself out there anymore, thats so over rated. I'm gonna remain unavailable and unemotional. I do better that way. (SOUND FAMILIAR?!) But I mean it this time. I don't want to be different any more. I want to be same old unavailable me.

When I do my hair, wear more feminine clothes, people say I'm pretty. I'm always me, but when I feel I dress the best, I get no recognition. Respect my individuality and with-hold your accolade's.

I don't want to be in love if I have to go through all the bullshit to get there. I'm just not that interested in having emotional validation. My mother loves me. My father loves me. Why do I need to stand before a gawking audience of doubled-faces and profess my love for another individual. Because this love this is supposed to result in marriage right? I don't think I can stomach the same individual for the rest of my life.

I don't want it.
And you never truly had my heart anyway.
It just sounded good to say.

...vent #207

Red and blue make.....

So that chapter is done, now what?
*stop looking over my shoulder*

I can't get over the feeling. Not the one you gave me, because quite honestly I felt the same way... we're better off how we were. I'm talking about before it was hard work just to maintain a relationship. Before shit was technical.
I want to be caught up in the bliss of ignorance again.
I remember when he said "I love you" and I had no idea what it meant. But I replied, blindly I might add, "I love you too." And from there, the snowball grew. I've dug so many holes throughout this universe, that I don't think I'll be invited into the next. I ride around, with no music (not by choice) and count. I've had that kind, that type, I think I've actually had him. And I point. I don't know why him, him either... lord I remeber that one. I can't for the life of me figure out why so many. Its innumerable how many types I've conquered. Well not  conquered persay, I'm no sexual deviant. But I've given my time, thoughts, heart, mind to so many different types, I can't seem to find a different. I want someone, something that I've never had before. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it has ten fingers and ten toes....I hope.
I just need a change.
The constant cycle is so familiar... it's killing me.

How's it going?
*from the outside looking into your box*
I love what you've done with the place.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing something. Like I'm the one who needs to be guided and taught the ways of your world. Its time to face it and fess up, I'm an alien. And I like it that way. I'm cliche, I do not conform to labels.

I'm dizzy because I choose not to walk on eggshells or play the background but trying to to spin out of the way is making my head hurt. So I'm gonna spend the rest of the time dancing. I'm spinning now because I'm dancing. And I'm gonna stop when my head starts hurting, because I can do that. I have the power to do so.

"What's your favorite color?"
"Blue."
What's your favorite song?"
"I don't have one."
"I miss you."
"I miss you more."
.....
-Excerpts from the conversation I had with a girl....my girl...well sort of.
It even sounds weird to say that.
But I'm used to weird.
I live there.
I like it.
And I like her.
Yeah....
Her.

Now, who's gonna tell my mom?!

...and then there was one

Someone please tell me the point of all this...

I struggle daily to understand my place in this universe. Where it is I fit in. I can't seem to find where I'm supposed to be. I am alone. There is no hand for me to hold, honest shoulder for me to cry on. I am a floating meteor. Where do I go when I need help, when I want to cry and need someone to talk to? Last night, I sat in a dark bedroom and sang to the Lord. I sang gospel on cold carpet by a warm window. Nothing made me feel okay. I don't know how to not feel depressed. Hiding it isn't working. I don't wanna live this way for much longer, something's gotta give. And no, I am not suicidal... I'm just alone and lonely and wishing that I was cool enough to have someone.

I've come to the conclusion that I am ugly. I can't be attractive and this alone all the time. I can't even speak up for myself. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe. But I can't help that I like you. You are everything that I think I need in a dude, and I ruined it. Actually, Bacardi and Pucker ruined it, but I helped. We could've been magic, or at least friends. But now, now we're just thin air. I don't think you want to even talk to me anymore. But it's cool. I'll live. But it hurts, so bad. I ruin everything with everyone. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe.

...what the fuck?!

Man fuck it

. I aint even tryna get caught up in the rapture leading to extreme disdain. I can't stand this shit. Like why does it have to be the same cycle over and over and over.

I wish I could back to the way I was when I didn't care. I was young, dumb and happy.

But with age come knowledge and I have no say in the matter. I learn from every mistake I make. But how do I snap out of this? How do I not get trapped in this never-ending perpetual oval. Ugh, it's so frustrating! I just want to be okay with being by myself. And if not that, I want to have a guy who I can tolerate. A guy who's antics do not disturb me like this. A guy who's honest, loving, working, understanding, compassionate, giving, did i mention honest? And trustworthy. I can't trust alot of people so in a relationship, trust is the alpha and the omega.

I'm pretty sure what irritates me most is the constant struggle. I've seen people find people so easy. No long drawn out process. Just one human being getting to know another. Ugh, the bullshit. I'm better off alone. Then, at least, I know who to trust. Myself.

...delusions of granduer mislead by my adventuras spirit

I'm here to voice my fear...
Stuff like this sincerely scares me. I'm soo0o0o tired of having my feelings hurt. I want to be able to be open about certian things but a jinx is a mother fucker and they're hard to come back from. So I'll keep it to myself. Yet still, it would be nice to gloat and giggle. To scream to the top of my lungs that I think I've found something here. Feelings are artifacts waiting to be uncovered by the next man, and the next man, and he's next. So bad do I want to be able to look into a future and see us, shit see me with anyone. But I disreguard that notion simply because I've lived with me for going on 20 years and I've seen me ruin the happiest of times. I don't know what it is about me, but I can't seem to be happy but for so long. I want to be that face behind the smile but I'm simply the smile. I am the false happiness and hope. I am the white light bouncing off transparent teeth as the bite a tounge being held for randsom. I AM SCARED.

I think the scariest thing about all this is that I know that your sincere. In all that you say, I sense not a tinge of dishonesty. Instead, I've constantly noted extreme sincerity and I'm scared out of my mind. I barley know you, and what your capable of, and what I'm capable of. I don't know your moms name, or any childhood experiences. Shit, I barely know your middle name. But come this saturday, we are sharing your bed. Not in a sexual sense, but how much more intimate can you get? Technically, we're sleeping together. I hope I don't seem like a whore, I've only known you for five days. Friends sleep in the same bed all the time right?

 But shit, I just wanna get close to you. I want to see if this could ever be more than makeout sessions and dizzing glares into one another's eyes. Man i'm tryna build with you. But i can't help but be terrified.

...who run it?

iiM back on my blog game...

Such is life...and it goes on.... so why dwell?
You say, it's gonna be different. But who am i to believe u? Honestly, mama taught me to move forward. But it's so damn hard tryna accept progress when people are placed on this earth simply to halt it.
I am a self proclaimed bitch. At least, i can be. It is not my porogrative to make u comfrotable in your own skin, no is it my duty to be sweet to you and hold ur hand. It's a hard world out here, trust me i know. I've lived in it for going on twenty years sweety and trust, the majority of people i've interacted with have made me who i am today. Hard, rigid, cold, a self procalimed bitch. I could care less about your feelings. I'm gonna be me reguardless.
I am blessed with tact. I do not go out of my way to single you out and make u feel worse about urself. And i am a big propent in exchanging pleasantries. But beyond that, assuming much more makes an ass out of u and me.
I am a sweetheart i swear, but that's beneath my shell. If u can make it past the cynacism and sarcasm...if u can survive all of my mental blows directed at your emotional woes, than u can meet me. Hi, I'm Taryn. And they don't call me obnoxious for nothing.
I am tired of feeling like i have to explain myself or water down who i really am. I get it, it aint self expression if people don't question it. But i don't have to answer. Instead, i'd much rather ignore u. Majority of my day is spent ignoring people and they're ignorant comments. "She mean yo"...."She mad rude son"...."You got a smart as mouth, you know that?"..... Why the fuck would u recognize something about me that i never knew about myself. Anything u notice in me, i've developed, i've harnessed and i've honed. I've made me who i am with a little help from outside influences. So SHUT THE FUCK UP, STOP WHINING AND TAKE THESE WORDS....cuz being a bitch about it will only make me dig harder.

You say bully, i say human being, many say Bitch, i say okay. But this bitch got layers so i'd watch wat u say.... you might hurt my feelings.

...u can hate me but why knock my hustle?!

What The FUCK is life?!

And how do u maintain it?!

Such it is tho, i'm alive. Tis a blessing to see another day. I forgot why i blogg(ed) for a while but i'm back to drop my mental woe's onto this empty forum. The struggle to be forever greateful gets harder and harder with the dawn of every fresh morning. And it's hard to be greatful for the shit u got when it's only shit u got. But i am alive, so i am blessed. ((Lunacy to put shit&blessed in adjacent sentences)) I wish i could stay the person i am when i'm on my bullshit. But once and a while, i have to have some sort of emotion and thus, i am in the mess i am in now. They say we are confusing... but i am honest, and frank, and tactful, and truthful. If u can't accept my words, suck that shit up and get over urself. Eat'm cuz it's nurishing to learn about urself, and others. Not to mention i'm a pretty cool person. How can u like me so much and not want to be with me? Sorry if she hurt ur feelings, but me and her got two different sets of parents, different names, different families, not to mention i'm sure we live in two completely different realities cuz i'm so out of this fucking world i'm pretty sure she's not even n my universe. Not to mention, I AM NOT HER. And IT'S NOT OKAY. I don't have feelings like everyone else. I don't exude love, or compassion, nor do i give a fuck about most of everything. So u should take it as compliment that i gave a fuck about how ur day was, or how ur feeling or whats wrong. But whatever. Such is life.  And i'm back on my bullshit. I think i like myself better when i'm n my shell....Luckily i'm a ninja turtle ;-)


N Other News:
In the spirit of the up-an-comming holidays, i've decided to show a bit of compassion. First, I will allow these swagger jacking BITCHES to go on tryna live like me. I' pretty sure they won't go far but whatev. Also, i've decided to give some of these  "artists" a chance....So good luck to:
-Nikki Minaj
-Wale
....etc

Gotta be sum'n for me to write this....

You know, you have the ability to drown in your own mind. It is possible.

My heart hurts, but I don't think it's broken. In fact, I don't think my heart has ever really been broken. I am a self-admitted bitch but ultimately I am female. I have feelings and layers, I am sensitive to an extent. But shit... it's easier just to be unfeeling. Crying pains the soul, it doesn't clense it. Being depressed is easier than being happy. I don't want to become my old emotional self. I like the rigid Taryn. She's ruthlessly unfeeling and unfazed. Her life is easier simply because she's detached. I love to be her, she's like my shell...my cape... my hollow exterior both hard and complete. But beneath, there are broken pieces. Tattern and worn from my teenage love affairs. What is love by the way? I digress, I could've loved him. Shit, I think I liked him alot... but when I like someone so much, I tend to push them far away. The farther the better. And the easiest way to keep them far is to convince myself that nothing will come of it. Ultimately I've done more harm to myself than help. But whatever, I can't tell someone how to live they're life. If that's what he wants cool. I guess because this is the first time I've put my heart into anything since my last relationship, it stings a little extra. Oh well, I'm alive. And I wish you luck in all that you do with whomever you plan on doing it with.

Where's the computer lab guy that i'm in love with???

... 18 Years Young (part VI)

Lydia didn't know whether to be offended or attracted; so she opted for silence. She just looked at him as he wiped her eyes and continued.
"I've never met a girl like you. I wish I had more time with you, but if you let me, I will make sure that the rest of your life will be filled with nothing but smiles and love and, and shit Lyd...I just want to be there."
"But why? Why the fuck would you want to deal with this? The medication, the hospitals, the moods and anger, depression and sadness? Since I got the news, I hate being me. There are so many people I want to meet and places I want to see. Being me is a major waste of time. So I can only imagine what being around me must feel like. Think about it, do you want to sit in the hospital a month and a half from now when I'm in surgery. Or a few months after that when I'm suffering in a bed, struggling to maintain life. Fuck your delusions of grandeur and kill your optimism my brother, I AM DYING."
"I heard you the first time, and the second. And just about every time after that. But the way I see it, you should be living every tomorrow like it's going to last two years. That way, when you do go, you'll have lived long enough. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life..."
"Well it sure sounds like it." Lydia was getting quite annoyed, but she couldn't take her eyes off of him.
"But, I do want you to live while your still here; for your sake, for your mother's sake, your brothers sake, shit for my sake. This downer shit aint you, 'cause contrary to your belief, I see you. I've always seen you. Through grade school till now I see you. I've heard you in class, I've noticed. Not speaking up is a horrible mistake that I'm going to have to live with but I be got damn if I let you live your last six months in the dark."
"Your right, it isn't your place to tell me how to live."
"And I'm not trying to."
"Are you sure?" She wanted to go home, really she did. She was so tired of people telling her how to live. Why couldn't she spend her last few days like she wanted to; alone and in the dark. But he had a point. Your life isn't your own. Your always in the process of living for other people; inspiring and helping. How horrible would her mother feel if she let her daughter die before she was actually dead. Maybe she would do the whole "Carpe Diem" thing. But how would she deal with Daryl? He reached for the soft palms that she pulled away from him around mid conversation. She let him hold them, for now.
"Positive I don't. And I really don't want to offend you because I don't want this to our last time out. I want to take you out as long as your able and willing. Just let me be there for you, at least let me try." Who was she to tell someone what they can and can not do? If he wanted to try and tread the bullshit the was partially drowning in, he can go ahead. She wouldn't mind having him around. Hopefully it wouldn't do more hurt than help, not to her, but to him. She didn't have anything substantial to say. To avoid the cliche, she just held his hand and started to walk. Lydia had a strong feeling that her make up had ran to high-heavens. But when she looked at Daryl as he looked at her, she simply felt beautiful.

My New Hair Cut Tis' Dope...

... 18 Years Young (Part V)

"So where we going?" Lydia was surprisingly comfortable around Daryl. Her comfort had even thrown her for a bit of a loop. But once you throw up all over a mans tires for a while, you tend to have no veil.


"Now if I told you, wouldn't that ruin the surprise?" She had to admit, he was smooth. But she was used to his type; Lydia had tricks up her sleeve that no one could guess by looking at her. She was better at playing those sort of head games than anyone. When she would sat back and think, she figured it was a waste that such a female like herself wouldn't live longer to share her knowledge with the world. With Daryl though, she figured she'd just be herself; it was seemingly easier to cut his game with honesty than to try to melt it with her own. Giving him the once over, Lydia noted his not-too-baggy jeans and crisp black polo with the teal horse that went with his black, teal, white and yellow dunks. She giggled to herself a bit that sort of matched. "What's funny?"
"Nothing, it's just that we match."
"Yeah, I peeped that when I saw you. Great minds..."
"Well at least one of us have one. Okay lets see, sneakers jeans and a polo...Am I over-dressed?"
"Nah, now that I see what you have on, I think I'm under-dressed. But it's cool, I figured I wouldn't be able to compete with your beauty." Was that genuine? Or was he just trying to game her again. She would soon find out. They pulled up to a well-known seafood restaurant that was known for it's prestige and it's serious attitude towards reservations. Lydia had never been, and in all honesty she wasn't the ritzy-restaurant type. Though her outfit spoke on the contrary. She just sat in slight awe at the luxury of what the night would soon become. She was impressed when they were seated immediately following Daryl giving the waiter his name. Lydia never knew that Daryl was short for Darylic Esseck. She thought it was a cool name, but why would someones parents name their child what could be sound-wise equivalent to a word synonyms with outcast? Once seated, they both ordered water and settled, sparked conversation.
"So Darylic huh? I never knew. Where'd that name come from?"
He smiled, knowing that the looming question was bound to be asked. "Both of my parents were orphans. They actually met each other in the foster system. Once they made it out and made something of themselves, they got married and had me. My mother said she named me Darylic as a reminder of where she was and where she is." There was no hiding the confusion on Lydia's face. "Like, they're not ashamed of where they came from because they came so far. So instead of naming me something that would ultimately be completely null and void to where they came from, they saw me as a representation of all that they've succeeded. I represented the fact that two family-less kids grew up to be a doctor and an entrepreneur. I am the result of abandonment. I represent derelicts." She had to give it to the kid. He was more than she figured he would be, and that wasn't simply taking him for face-value. Moreover, it was like taking him for what his reputation preceeded him to be. But there was more than met the eye with him. She liked the fact that he was seemingly more than surface.
"Deep stuff my brother. I would've never guessed."
"Well, that's not something you could guess. But I figure you assumed that I wasn't like I am. But I'm human, I have layers. Ya know?" She knew, trust if there was anyone of the surface of this earth who understood the power of understanding someone, it was Lydia.
"Well, I'm happy that I've taken the opportunity to get to know you." She smiled, genuinely.
"Me too. That night, in the car, something you said stuck with me." Lydia blushed slightly at the memories from that night. How she'd revealed her deepest secret to her entire graduating class, and then vomited her life away on the most popular boy in school's tires. He noticed and gently brushed her cheek with his fingers. "Nah, not that part. I remember you saying something along the lines of," he imitated her voice, "All you care about is you and yo rep." Lydia couldn't help but laugh. She didn't remember what she said verbatim, but she had an inkling that she went in on the poor boy. " I actually called and texted some of the girls I've messed with and some of my homeboys to get perspective. I wanted to see what they saw me as. And I got no real responses. I mean, I got a lot of 'you da'man' and 'you know you my favorites', but the stuff they said held no candle to your drunken tirade. I couldn't figure out why I had turned out like this, but I'm glad you agreed to let me take you out. And I am honored to be in the presence of such a real individual." He placed his hands on the table and over hers. Daryl was submitting himself to Lydia and she was eating it up. She couldn't help but to. His words were so genuine and true, it was almost like he was naked in front of her. "I am really lucky." They both shared a smile. Lydia blushed hard this time and her eyes darted towards the floor. He used his index finger to lift her face so their eyes could meet. "So, tell me something that I don't know."
"Something like what?"
"Girl, I border-line bared my soul. You gotta give me something."
"Okay, okay. I'm seventeen, eighteen next month. I'm spanish, black and white. I have a older brother named Salias, no pops, and my mom. I love dogs, music, and the color green. I was about to get my license before I was diagnosed, but I figured there was no point. And I guess you know about the dying thing."
"Yeah, but why let it stop you?"
"What do you mean?" She knew exactly what he meant. It was the same stuff her mother said on a daily basis. But what was the point? Why become invested in a life that only has months left on it's meter. Daryl just lifted one eyebrow. He knew that she knew what he meant. She contemplated telling him everything that she just thought, but instead she opted for a simply "I don't know. It's conplicated"
"If you don't mind me asking..."
"It's a long name that I'd rather not memorize. But basically I was born with a defective heart. It's simply slowing down until it stops. The doctors estimated that in six months, it'll be at the end of it's rope in a sense, and it'll stop. That's basically it."
"Where you a normal kid?"
"Define normal..." She smiled. "Yeah, for the most part. Wasn't really active because of what they thought was asthma. So guess without alot of physical activity, it went undetected."
"So what's next?"
"Well, about a month in a half they'll put in a sort of pace maker. Then in about three months, I'll be basically stuck in the house on bed rest. In five months I'll be in the hospital, and on the six month...well...I guess I die." Once again, Lydia looked at the floor. She had never explained what'll happen to one of her peers before. It was both liberating a painful. Daryl held her hands tighter.
"Hey, I didn't mean to get all heavy. Damn curiosity ya know? You want to order?"
"Yeah sure." She looks up to the most sincere pair of eyes she had ever seen. She was now naked too. When she looked up, it was almost like she was a new person sitting in front of an even newer person. This was a level she had never been to before. They ordered their prospective meals and continued conversation. They laughed so hard, Lydia was actually scared they'd be kicked out the seemingly snooty establishment. After eating, the duo left to walk along the sidewalks of the bustling, night-time hangouts. The only times their hands were indepentant was when they were eating. Other than that, it would seem they were glued together.
"So what happens now? Lydia got serious.
"What do you mean? You wanna go home?" Daryl hadn't really caught on to the change in tone quite yet.
"No idiot, I mean what happens now with us? I don't think you wanna get mixed up with me."
"Mixed up with you?"
"I've pushed people away for a reason. You do realize that I have no future."
Daryl had had enough. "Ugghh. I can't take this anymore. Lyd, look up. Are there any clouds in the sky?" She shakes her head no. "Is it raining?" She repeats her previous action. "I didn't think so. So why do you insist on raining on our night. I knew about your situation before I asked you out. For you to use that as a crutch is fucking confusing to me. If I only had six months to live, I would live them to the fullest."
"Okay but you don't! You have the rest of your fucking life to grow and become an adult! I'm gonna die a fucking teenager!" Lydia was yelling and crying. Tonight was going downhill fast.
"I understand that Lyd, I do." He held her by her shoulders and looked at her red, puffy eyes. "But this pessimism aint you. Your right I can't put myself in your shoes, and my bad for speaking as if i could. But I just want you to realize that you are far too beautiful to try and live in the dark, alone. I'm just tryna be here with you and for you."

...18 Years Young (part IV)

All of the days seemed to blur. One day wasn't existentially different from the next. The rest of that day, as well as the next, blew by like it was itching to be a memory. It was now wednesday, which meant it was the middle of the week. Lydia hadn't spoken to Darryl, or anyone for that matter since the night of the party. The most she had really done was reply to the texts asking whether or not she had made it home safely. She had 2 unanswered messages from him. One simply saying good morning and the other concerning what was partially plagueing her mind at the moment beyond the obvious issue. She knew deep down inside that she really wanted to go out with him, but this wasn't A Walk to Remember, and she wasn't Mandy Moore. Lydia would rather not be anyones pity case. Moreover, she'd rather not tell anyone about her condition in hopes of retaining the only bit of normalcy she had left. That night of drunken stupor left her feeling, well, stupid. But she hoped that everyone there was too drunk to really grasp what she confessed. Understandibly, she saw her relationship to Darryl as deterimental to him, his emotions, and her heart. There was no way they could have any sort of future together, because she had no future. Her mother keeps telling her to live for the day, and she tries. But as previously stated, her optimism is waning. Just thinking about seizing the day made her want to cry. Seize the day for what? While choking back tears, her phone rang. The ringtone, a simple beep, let her know that it was just a text message. Once again it was Darryl:

You can keep avoiding me, but i aint goin no where. Just gimme a yes or a
no. If it's no, i'll leave u alone. But if its yes, i'll be there at 7 tonight.

Lydia didn't really know what to say. Should she attempt to live a normal life, to no longer hide in the confines of her disease and make her last days worth living. Or should she just count the days until she dies. Lydia stared at her phone for a minute or two. A faint smile registered on her face and she mustered up enough self worth to type an answer. "Ok sure. C U @ 7." She decided that, at least for tonight, she was going to live like she used to. Like a teenager. She was going to do her hair, put on a nice outfit and live. Live like she wanted to, live like she should be, live like she had a chance at living. That night, Lydia pressed her spanish wave into a straight wrap, wore one of her favorite outfits, put on eye make-up, lip gloss and smiled. He dress came just above her knees and was black with big bright paint strokes. Her teal cardigan was quarter-lengthed sleeved and her wedge heels were black patent-leather. To say she looked gorgeous was an understatement. That boy better not take her out for burgers, this was a "lets go somewhere vibrant" outfit and she was settling for no less. 7 o'clock came around and Lydia was putting the final touches on her make-up. When the doorbell rang, she was actually nervous. Not because it was her first date and not because it was with the Darryl, but because she didn't know how to act now that he knew that she was...incredibly flawed. Cynthia opened the door with a huge smile. Her baby was leaving the house and taking her advice. There was no point in her sulking in the house for the rest of her limited days. All day, she had been pondering whether or not to encourage her daughter to undergo the experimental treatment. With both of them on the fence, the house had been a bit dreary for the past couple of days. Just by opening the door for this handsome young man, Cynthia felt some of the tension mixing with the fresh air and floating away on the evening breeze.

"Come in, come in. Lyd, your dates here." Cynthia was grinning ear to ear. Almost making Darryl feel a bit uncomfortable. He felt her mother's eyes giving him the once-over while she closed the door behind him. He just hoped he met her expectations.

"Hello Ms....Ms...I'm sorry, I don't believe I know Lydia's last name."

"Oh that's fine honey, it's Ms. Perez. Nice to meet you, Daryl is it?"

"It is. I now understand where Lydia get's her sense of spanish beauty from."

Cynthia took the line like a man dying in the desert, straight thirsty. She blushed and placed her hand on her chest a bit. "Well thank you. Aren't you just a charmer. Hang on a sec while I go get her." She jogged up the steps only to be flored by what she saw. She hadn't seen her daughter all dolled up in months. She was happy that Lydia had taken a hammer to that glass ceiling, she just hoped there was no glass in her eyes. Not to mention she was going out with what seemed to be such a seemingly charming young man. And hopefully, for his sake, it wasn't just a ploy to get into her daughters pants. "Oh baby, you look gorgeous! I love to see you like this, all..."

"Okay ma," Lydia interrupted in the hopes of stopping her mother from tearing up and crying, thanks. I think I'm gonna go on my date now." They shared a connecting smile and Lydia headed down the stairs. What her date saw left him dumbfounded, she seemed to have that effect on the young sutor.

"My lord girl. You make beautiful jealous." Now while her mother was swooning, Lydia was unfazed. She saw D-Money use that line on too many females before. He noted her expression and switched to a more honest type of swag. "You look really really pretty Lydia, honest." This made her smile.

"Thanks D. And from now on, honesty is the best policy." She whispered in his ear, "So you can tuck your game book away or you can leave me home." Lydia smiled and looked at her mother who was a bit puzzled to say the least. "Ok ma, we're out. I'll let you know when I'm headed home."

"Oh girl, take your time." Cynthia said while escorting the teens to the door."And Daryl, if u hurt her, I will most definately kill u and make it sure no one finds the body." He didn't know what was more disturbing, what she just said or the fact that she was smiling while she said it.

"I promise I won't. Take care."

"Mmhmm, you too. For your sake." Cynthia shut the door as the two decended on the steps. She didn't want her daughter loosing cool points because her mother was on the verge of tears. She felt like it was Lydia's first date all over again. But on the contrary, all the kept thinking about what if it was her last.

...i'm grown now!

ii don't have to answer to anyone...

i am a adult by law which means i have the right to do as i please.

...put the pen to the pad, open up the window and let god in...

So0 how about we never tell her that ii wrote this... But here goes...

Titled: Sibling

I am a revolution
For Brianna’s sake
I am her fight
Simply because I can be
I am her fingers
On keyboard keys
Her blue ink on white pages
Of marble notebooks
And leather bound journals
I am her countless computer folders
Filled with what I’d like to call poetry
I am her voice
Standing in front of mics
And faces
And echoing along walls
Protruding through doorways
Squeezing between cracks in the glass
I am her imagery
And I am her vocabulary
Encompassing more than the public school system offers
Because she likes the challenge
I am her heart
Beating for shit like this
Rhythmically throbbing for moments like this one
Moments of pure expression
With no censors
No question of talent
No answer needed
I am her eye sight
And now though declining ability
My embodiment makes it 20-20
Able to see the mental gems land
On all the un-expecting necks
Creating the only jewelry she deems worth while
Natural
And fascinating
With the colors of Africa draped on my shoulders
Stones of ebony worn on my chest like merit badges
Neo-soul and jazz breaths make difference
Yet, humor makes same
I am her sister
And she is my hero
And she is beautiful
Like earth angel
Barefoot on the greenest and warmest earth
Walking
Simply walking on classics
Like Donny’s “Someday we’ll All Be Free”
Or his Amel’s “Make Me Whole”
Or when India said “oh god, give me the courage to live with an open heart”
Cause she gives me the courage to live
And let live
And be alive with all that I do
And be me when I am alive with all I do
And do what I choose
Never allowing anyone other than god to dictate my decisions
Ever knowing that I can do for myself better than anyone else
But lord knows she’s done for me more than she knows
And she’s made myself what you see before you
Shaping it by simply living
Her life has taught me so much about mine
And how I should live it
And there is no thank you equivalent
So I’ll save it
For when u really need it
Or for when I really need to say it
Cause the only promise in this life
Is the fact that it will end
But above all that I’m happy that I met you
Happy that I’ve grown with you
And will grow with you
And I’m happy that you are who you’ve become
Because it gives me a guideline to live by
Someone to look up to
And something to aspire to be
You are all that I am
And I will be all that you want
In a little sister.

....Mic Check 1.2.1.2...

I think i should be a author...

I got the talent... not to mention the vivid imagination and the fast fingers... I'm gonna buy a typewriter. I wanna be authentic. But can't u just imagine checking my swag??? It's raining and dark outside, mid-day, and I'm sitting in front of my type writer banging out the pages of a urban classic.

Nah, make that urbane, cuz i'm just not that urban. Or am I? 10th grade I started writing this random book about this girl who got attacked in a weird way (which will not be disclosed should I ever decide to actually publish it) and re-reading it now, it was a bit juvinile...So I started writing another one. AND IT'S DOPE!!! ((If I do say so myself.)) But, like my short stories I posted on her, I have so many ideas. And I love writing them down and expanding on them? So maybe i'll be a writer/author. I'll be a web-desiging author...and I'll design my own web page to sell my books on ;-) Wanna visit it?